come . . . walk with me

The Way . . .

2012-01-22T19:15:00.003-07:00

is made by taking one step at a time. I went to see "The Way" last night. It's not a great movie in terms of plot or anything like that but I enjoyed it. I realized today as I was reflecting back on the evening that perhaps the reason I enjoyed it so much was that I imagined what it might be like to walk The Way... the Camino de Santiago... the Way of St. James...

700 kilometers of walking.... 30 days (more or less... most likely more)... average age of the pilgrim who makes the journey is a 51 yr old woman (or so I read somewhere on the internet today)...

Then I got thinking. I'm on a journey. I don't necessarily need to head over to France/Spain to walk the way. I'm on a journey right here and right now. Only difference at this moment is when walking The Way, there are other pilgrims who are walking also, not necessarily in company but there are others that you can see and perhaps even talk to about the journey.

Therein lies the rub for me today. I miss my companion. I miss having that one with whom I could share my thoughts and what the things that I'm reflecting on as I read and study.

Yet therein lies the rub (again) for if Florian were here I wouldn't be on the same journey and so wouldn't be needing/wanting to share these thoughts with him that have flooded my mind lately.

Maybe I'll add the Camino de Santiago to my bucket list...

Maybe I'll one day walk The Way...

a vocation or a job?

2011-12-27T21:22:00.005-07:00

a call or an invitation?

These questions are perculating these days as I ponder some of what I've been reading lately.

There seems to be such a dis-connect between all this as I think and ponder and wonder about what I'm doing and why....

an invitation seems so much more..... inviting than a "call"

a "vocation" seems so much more..... appealing than a "job".

Could it be that the ministry of spiritual direction could be just that? an invitation and a vocation? what would this as a vocation look like? Is there a place for me in this? if so, where?

I am thankful to have these few weeks over the Christmas break to take time to reflect, journal, read books that aren't part of the required reading list... to allow some of what I have read to simmer and percolate... I don't know that I'll get any answers anytime soon, but I do hope that these weeks will allow for some quiet reflection and contemplation and most of all, allow me to get some rest and get re-balanced.

gratitude?

2011-10-09T15:35:00.003-06:00

I made this card this afternoon. I needed to make a fall-themed card and while this may not appear to meet the requirements, it'll have to do. It's reflective of what I'm thinking today. I remember walking along the beach when we spent a few days on the Oregon coast. While that is a few years ago already, it was a time that was perfect for quiet reflection. Miles and miles of sand. The water, relentless. I remember walking along the sand and allowing my mind to wander in its reflections.

With that in mind, I allowed my thoughts to reflect a little today. The service today was amazing. A full service of hymns - that brought me to tears. How is it that I can sing of what God has done for me but then am reduced to tears when we sing,

When Christ shall come

With Shouts of acclamation

And take me home,

What joy shall fill my heart!

Then I shall bow

In humble adoration

And there proclaim,

"My God, how great Thou art!"

But then I find myself embraced as a friend who sees my struggle and comes to stand with me.

I am grateful. I am deeply grateful. Regardless of how I feel most days, there are still some truths that remain and are foundational to who I am: God is. God loves. God forgives.

I am grateful. I am deeply grateful. I have friends who believe in me and they are not afraid to speak words of encouragement when I am struggling to carry on with the things to which I believe I have been called.

I am grateful. I am deeply grateful. I have family who love and walk alongside, caring in their own ways.

Today I am reminded of all this. . . and I am grateful. I am deeply grateful

a better perspective gained

2011-08-21T17:11:00.002-06:00

after church today.

Abraham was tested. Genesis 22. He's tested first in the area of his faith. Then, his affections. and then his love. Yet he came out tested and true.

Faith: do I allow God to be the One in whom I still place all my trust and confidence?

Affections: Is God worthy of my worship even if I have to give up the most treasured and prized possessions - that which is dearest to me?

Love: God asks, "How important am I to you?" Is there anything that has come between me and God? is there anything that is taking God's #1 place in my life?

I think I have some work to do.

It's too easy to sit back and feel sorry for myself. I don't want to live like that.

I want to live in confidence and trust.

I want to worship Him freely and without reservation.

I want love Him with such abandon that He becomes the object of my affection.

am I walking alone...

2011-08-20T21:14:00.009-06:00

on this journey? There are certainly many days when it sure feels like it.

I recently returned from visiting my brother in Anchorage. It was great. I loved it. The scenery is beyond description.

I could have sat in their living room gazing out the window for hours and hours and hours.

Yet in the midst of all that stunning beauty, there lay an emptiness.

I knew Florian would have absolutely loved to have been there too. So many times I wanted to show him the beauty I was experiencing. But he wasn't there. I felt alone.

How could I feel alone? I was with my brother. We spent hours and hours and hours talking about things that matter. What it means to be content. How to face an uncertain future without anxiety. He showed and taught me how to carve wood - I carved my first wood spirit under his instruction. It was good. I felt so very accepted. I wasn't alone. We were two siblings spending precious days together.

I came home. The house is quiet. I've spent hours and hours and hours in quiet contemplation. I feel alone. Wait. Never mind feeling alone, I am alone. Nonetheless, I don't want to have a house full of people just to fill the empty rooms - just so that I'm not alone.

I think back to some of the conversations from these past two weeks.

How to be content?

I think it begins with trust. I need to remind my head & my heart that God is still trustworthy. He is still faithful. He is still in control. He knows what lies ahead. He waits for me to come to Him.

Do I believe Him? Will I trust Him?

I may feel alone, but He walks with me.

That means, I am never alone.

Knowing that, can I be content?

I'd rather. . .

2011-07-23T20:51:00.011-06:00

have to change the oil in my car or clean the furnace filter.

Seriously.

Although.

I will have to admit that based on my recent experience with changing the air filter there may be those who would beg to differ on that as well!!

But that's a whole 'nuther story!

Tonight, I was going to toast some raisin bread for dinner... got distracted looking at the writing assignment due next month and start smelling smoke... something obviously went haywire...

Came to the kitchen to find smoke billowing out from the toaster oven!! Yikes.

I ran it outside and then grabbed a towel to fan the smoke detector so it wouldn't go off. Fortunately, I managed to keep the smoke away long enough to grab the little fan I had sitting in the hallway. Turned it on - much easier to blow the smoke back towards the kitchen that way. Once the air was cleared somewhat, I moved the fan into the kitchen area. oy.

But.

Disaster averted.

Alarm didn't go off.

Friendly firemen didn't have to pay a visit.

This all seems so silly. I never dreamed that these are the kinds of things that I would have to deal with... Maybe I need to seriously consider cold cereal for dinner or protein shakes and smoothies... at least there would be no risk of fire with those!!!

so, just where do I start? Will someone please hand me that wrench?

it's been 8 months. . .

2011-07-10T20:50:00.002-06:00

since Florian left us. In so many ways it feels like just the other day... and yet it also feels a lifetime ago. If I think about what's ahead 8 months from now, that puts us into March. That's a long time down the road...

So much has happened and I've had to deal with so very much. It's not always been easy. In fact, the last few months have been unbelievably hard.

I've just come through another one of life's major milestones - the marriage of my 2nd oldest. It was a beautiful celebration and I am so deeply grateful. I believe that God was honoured and that brings incredible peace & joy.

I'm grateful to have friends & family who helped keep things in perspective - who helped me figure things out. Things like what is worth fighting for... you know how it's about picking your battles? Well, there certainly were many opportunities these last months for that!! All the while, they were there lending their support... letting me know that they cared... letting me know that I wasn't alone - they were there, standing in the trenches alongside. I am so blessed and grateful for these dear ones.

I'm grateful for the moments during the celebration when we were able to honour Florian. The lighting of the candle at the start of the ceremony - Chris stopped at the table and lit it before taking his place on the platform. In his opening remarks, the pastor explained that it was lit to pay tribute to the groom's dad. And then the tribute paid in memory of Florian - a toast given by the bride's father - what a great gesture on their part. I didn't expect it but I sure appreciated it. Both were especially meaningful for me.

As I think about the whole day, I know that God graced us with His presence - and what greater gift could I ask for? I had prayed that the entire celebration would be honouring to Him and tried to ensure that I came to it also with an attitude that would be pleasing & honouring to Him. I encouraged the couple to do likewise. And in the end, it was a great day. Not only did I survive, but I think I can honestly say that I 'did good'. It certainly wasn't about me and what I was able to do. It was only because of His strength and the prayers of many who were praying for me that I was able to hold out with joy and graciousness. I am humbly grateful. To God be all the glory.

speechlessly blessed...

2011-06-13T22:54:00.004-06:00

My dear brother, who has invited me to visit this summer, just crafted a tool for me. This in anticipation of our time together.... I am rendered speechless.

it's overwhelming. . .

2011-05-30T20:18:00.002-06:00

and like one of my children wrote, there are days when I want to wake up and realize this has all been a dream.

Yet in the midst of everything, there are rays of hope that make their way through - shafts of light that speak of hope, shedding light on my path, enabling me to take the next step. I am ever so grateful for God's guiding hand as I've navigated my way through territory completely foreign to me.

shafts of light that come as:

- thoughts to wait with some tasks so that other things still work

- thoughts that come in the middle of the night bringing to mind obscure things that need to be looked after

- friends who remember

- friends who remind me of some of Florian's quirkiness

- worship songs that speak of God's mercies that are new every morning and of His faithfulness

- lyrics that stay with me through the week

- choir concerts that uplift and are a "feast for the soul"

Sometimes it's dark in here with no shafts of light to be seen.

Sometimes it just takes my eyes a little time to adjust.

feeling stuck...

2011-04-29T17:00:00.006-06:00

I don't know that this will be a well-connected, thought-out entry but there are some thoughts and new insights that I don't want to forget. This seems as good a place as any to record some of them.

First of all, I will admit that the last while I have felt "stuck". Stuck in a grieving process with no idea how to proceed or how to get "un-stuck". I was quite miserable. I have been missing Florian tremendously - more now than 3 months ago. It would be easy to chalk it up to simple things like moving beyond the intense focus on getting all the financial stuff figured out or issues arising from wedding planning and no one to talk to about them or our son's graduation - an event that we celebrated without Florian. Whatever the reason, the last weeks have been hard. So much so that I have felt tears lurking just beneath the surface ready to gush at the least provocation and I was getting tired of just being so very tired.

In a moment of complete exhaustion and depleted inner resources, I made an appointment to visit my most trusted friend and counselor. I had a few things that I was "processing" that I wished to discuss. Little did I realize that our hour together would provide such incredible insights.

I learned that there is a process that I can evoke whenever I'm feeling down and sad. It's a process that encourages a little digging - asking a few deeper questions - to discover the "root" of what I'm feeling. It goes a little like this: I'm missing Florian. What is it about not having him near that you are missing? I miss talking to him. What is it about conversing with him that you are missing? He was my biggest cheerleader & support. What is it about his support that you miss? and then I can begin to pinpoint something a little more definitive about the loss...

I tried it out the other day - and I was surprised at the difference it made. I was given the tools I needed to dig a little deeper - to explore what I was feeling - to come to terms with some truths - and then it didn't feel quite so heavy a burden anymore. Oh, don't get me wrong. I didn't quit missing Florian, but there was a difference in what I was feeling or how I was feeling the loss.

I mentioned this to a sibling of mine with whom I've been having quite the conversations and the response was this: "Explore the emotion to it's deepest level - 'let it wash over you' - and find what the root is. Identify it, absorb it, and let it go." I think that's it!

A second bit that's been percolating the last few days is something that happened the next morning. I had gotten up early to do some homework.

As I was sitting at my kitchen table, making notes about some of what I was reading, there seemed to be a sense that washed over me. Like I was suddenly free. Free to move ahead. Free to pursue my dreams. Free to be OK. It was with me for only a fleeting moment and then it was gone, just as suddenly as it had appeared.

I don't know what that was all about. I think though that it may have something to do with a verse that my friend mentioned on Wednesday. Jesus said, "you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free" (John 8:32) Somehow, in facing the truth in my grief, there is a gift of freedom. I think that maybe, just maybe, it was that gift of freedom that I experienced sitting at the kitchen table yesterday morning. Having faced some of the truth of my grief the night before, God gave me an incredible gift of freedom that He allowed to wash over me, even if only for the briefest of moments.

If that's what it is, what can I do but thank Him for His deep love & care for me.

crushed...

2011-03-28T23:12:00.002-06:00

but not destroyed; perplexed... but not shaken

Tonight I shared my faith journey with my "cohort group". I wear the mantle passed to me by my husband - step by step I will carry on; I will carry the torch that will one day be passed to my by my father - to stay the course.

Many generations have gone before me; many have run their race and, keeping their eyes focused on the One who is the perfecter of faith , they finished their run. We don't know how long he will be with us, but my dad will one day be among those who have stayed the course to the very end. He will then join my dear husband in worship as they bow their knee and proclaim that Jesus is Lord & King.

a torch....

a mantle....

I am surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses ... my grandparents, great-grandparents, great-great grandparents... uncles... and aunts.... and more recently my husband....

Such vivid imagery as I press on towards the goal that is set before me. . . as I "stay the course", one step at a time. Yes, I am perplexed. Yes, I am crushed.

But God. . .

God is faithful. I will not be destroyed for He is faithful.

God is holding me. I am in His grip.

My soul will one day sing again - will sing the song that He will give and I will praise Him for His unending love.

How Great Thou Art.

on prayer. . .

2011-02-23T22:23:00.003-07:00

The last few weeks I have come across these verses several times in different contexts, "Come to me all who are weary; take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" (Matt 11:29-30)

The literal translation of 'pray always' is 'come to rest'. The Greek word for 'rest' is hesychia. A hesychast is one who seeks solitude and silence as ways to unceasing prayer. The prayer of the hesychast is a prayer of rest - it has little to do with the absence of conflict or pain but rather is a rest in God in the midst of a very intense daily struggle.

Nouwen suggests that this kind of 'prayer of the heart' is not intellectual prayer (speaking to God, expecting answers and when we don't hear anything we begin to think of a monologue); it is also not just thinking about God (meditation) which may lead to new intellectual discoveries about God.

Rather, the prayer of the hesychast is one that takes us from our place of self-absorption to where it penetrates to the very marrow of our soul & leaves nothing untouched. It is prayer that does not allow us to limit our relationship with God to interesting words or pious emotions. (hmm... does this not sound like being careful with what we say & how much we say... perhaps a type of silence?) It opens our eyes to the truth of ourselves as well as to the truth of God. It challenges us to hide absolutely nothing from God and to surrender ourselves unconditionally to His mercy.

At this point, this is now a prayer of truth. No longer are we trying to impress others with our well-worded prayers; no longer are we trying to convince ourselves of our worthiness or our self-righteousness.

I'm not quite sure how all this works but somehow, this kind of purity of heart allows us to see more clearly, not only our own needy, distorted and anxious self, but also the caring face of our compassionate God. Somehow, God's heart has become one with ours. Here we catch sight of the meaning of Jesus' words, "Shoulder my yoke and learn from me, for I am gentle & humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Yes my yoke is easy and my burden light". Jesus invites us to accept his burden which is the burden of the whole world; a burden that includes human suffering in all times & places. But this divine burden is light and we can carry it when our heart has been transformed into the gentle and humble heart of our Lord". (p. 87)

It is with this kind of vision that it is possible, then to move into the midst of our world with a heart at rest. And, it is this restful heart that becomes a magnet, attracting those who are groping to find their way through life.

"When we have found our rest in God, we can do nothing other than minister." In other words, out of our solitude and silence, our "being" becomes "doing".

This certainly has given me lots to think about these last few days... I know I haven't come to understand all I've encountered with those verses from Matthew - that needs some more 'thinking'...

until next time,

on silence & solitude

2011-02-22T17:59:00.005-07:00

I've been reading Henri Nouwen's book, "The Way of the Heart". The first section focuses on solitude and then he looks at silence. After that he talks about prayer.

I thought it strange at first - and then it hit me.

We need to be comfortable in solitude because it is in solitude that we face ourselves. No longer distracted by "doing", it becomes the place of purification and transformation; a place of great struggle and great encounter. This purifying and transforming process has as its result, great compassion. "In solitude, we realize that nothing human is alien to us, that the roots of all conflict, war, injustice, cruelty, hatred, jealousy, envy are deeply anchored in our own heart. As a result, solitude molds self-righteous people into gentle, caring forgiving persons who are so deeply convinced of their own great sinfulness and so fully aware of God's even greater mercy tat their life itself becomes ministry. In such a ministry there is hardly any difference left between doing & being."

On silence, he writes, "Silence guards the fire within; Silence teaches us to speak." It reminded me of the many times that I have "shared with others" those things that were on my mind only to come away feeling that I wasn't heard or that I lost something that was precious to me. We live in a world where we are afraid of, and uncomfortable with, silence. He suggests that "simply not speaking is a very important practice... it is a good discipline to wonder in each new situation if people wouldn't be better served by our silence than by our words".

Now that we've understood solitude and the importance of silence we turn our thoughts to prayer. Solitude is being alone with God. It is in our silence that we begin to listen to God. It is this context of solitude & silence within which prayer is practiced. More on that tomorrow. . .

time passes. . .

2011-02-10T22:15:00.003-07:00

and yet time seems to stand still.

In some ways the days and months have flown by incredibly quickly and I can hardly believe that it's been 3 months already since Florian passed away. Yet in other ways, it seems like it's been so very long already.

In some ways I still almost can't believe that he's really gone. Yet in other ways... well, I just miss him so much.

I've accomplished quite a few things on my own - working through internet issues - buying a new garage door opener - purchasing stuff from the 'geek' store - navigating my way through unfamiliar areas of the city (thanks to the GPS unit he bought me last fall :) )

Today I realized as I was driving home from the office that the busy-ness of dealing with all the immediate "stuff" is starting to come to an end... I'm a little afraid of this next stage as it means I'll have more time to think - more time to miss him...

I did some grocery shopping today - I still don't enjoy it, but it doesn't seem to be as bad as it was initially. You see, Florian did most of the grocery shopping for us - I would go with him on occasion, but he had a knack of remembering prices & where everything was. I'd sometimes call him at work asking where I would find some item that was eluding me and he could steer me not only to the right aisle, but also to the right location on the right shelf, describing the items that I would find around it...

He sure was quite the guy... I only wish God hadn't called him Home quite so soon...

4 words. . .

2010-12-29T16:57:00.003-07:00

have been tumbling about in my head the last little while. They are the words that we heard through the Advent season this year:

hope: we are not in a hopeless situation; yes, we grieve, but not as those who have no hope

love: we have been showered with so many expressions of love which speak to us in tangible ways of God's deep love for us

peace: underlying all the daily turmoil, there lies a deep peace - a peace that passes all understanding

joy: Chris Tomlin released a version of "Joy to the World" that we have been singing this season. I found the lyrics of the added refrain resonated deeply within:

Joy, unspeakable joy
An overflowing well, no tongue can tell
Joy, unspeakable joy
Rises in my soul, never lets me go

4 simple words ...

4 deep truths ...

a rude awakening...

2010-12-19T18:16:00.003-07:00

occurred last week. I walked past our Christmas Countdown Snowman and saw to my utter astonishment that Christmas was only 9 days away. What? How could this be possible? In my head I had at least 2 weeks...

The reality is that I have been so busy with all the "stuff" I had completely lost track of how much time had actually passed.

We have been in a season of Advent - a season of preparation - yet it had nearly passed me by. The realization hit me hard. At that moment, I made a decision. I would spend one more day (I had an appointment at a financial institution) dealing with the "stuff" and that would be it for the rest of this season.

I need to take time for heart preparation...

to listen

to sit in quietness

to listen

to hear God speak

to listen

to ponder

to listen

to understand a little more fully the GIFT that came

to listen

to pay attention to the little details of the Christmas story

to listen

to prepare my heart that He might find room there this Christmas

His voice is quiet and it is only in the stillness that He will be heard.... May He find you listening also...

the reality...

2010-12-06T22:13:00.011-07:00

is beginning to set in a little...

Things like:
1. decorating the house for Christmas and knowing that Florian won't be home to comment
2. sitting in church and participating Communion... alone
3. realizing that I can't call him to "vent"
4. shopping for Christmas, watching the couples and it hits that I'm... alone
5. no longer being able to check the little box that sits beside the word "married"

6. making decisions... alone

and then there are the girls - they call home and for just a fleeting moment they wonder if Dad will answer the phone... and then they realize....

or we attend Chris' concert and feel keenly that someone is missing...

It's not a lot of fun, these days, to face everything.... alone. It's hard, actually. I miss Florian. I miss his wisdom. I miss his ability to help me work through 'stuff'. I miss the little things... like his help in the kitchen in preparing meals & cleaning up afterward. I miss the big things... like being part of our family at mealtime or attending our son's 4th year Graduation Concert together....

My head says... How could I wish him back? He is in such an amazing place...
My heart says... but I miss him so much....
My head says... it's for our own reasons that we would wish him here
My heart says... but I miss him so much....

and that battle continues to rage.... again.

Once again I find myself in this place where I pray that God... in His graciousness.... would one day put all the pieces back together again....

a roller-coaster day. . .

2010-11-19T20:00:00.002-07:00

It started out OK but as the morning wore on I was missing Florian so very much. Simple things like looking for a picture to use on this next month's issue of Conversations (our church newsletter)... my daughter missing her bus and stressing about getting to college in time to write her mid-term... things that I would have used as opportunities to call Florian at work and vent a little or ask his opinion later in the day when he would have been home....

But in the midst of all this, I tried to focus on some God-incidents... ways in which I was seeing God at work on my behalf... simple things like clear lanes when I had to merge into traffic... or traffic lights that would stay green, allowing me ample time to make it through intersections instead of having to stop on icy roads...

My oldest has been really having a hard time this past week - first their washing machine quit working... then one of their cars began to really leak oil - so much so that it really wasn't safe to drive anymore.... They prayed last night and he basically was at his wits' end and prayed that God would just take care of them - make a way for them financially.

Then this morning, my DIL was set to take transit to work and the bus went out of service before finishing the loop... But in all this, I saw God watch over them in such an amazing way. She was left at a location that was only about a 15 minute walk home.... her "boss" gave her the day off...

But the biggest blessing to them was that my son found out today that his boss was going to pay him for all the days these last 2 weeks that he hadn't worked - said it was the least they could do for him. wow. What a gift! What a blessing! Who would have thought?

but most of all... isn't it amazing to see how God is taking care of them?! wow. oh. wow. Thank you Jesus!!

If God will take care of them in such tangible ways, will He not also take care of me? I can't help but believe that He will.

So, I pray... Father, I am weak... I am full of doubt and anxious thoughts threaten to fill my mind... yet in the midst of this, I do want to believe; "help me overcome my unbelief!"* Amen.

* Mark 9:24

it's been a week. . .

2010-11-16T20:56:00.003-07:00

since Florian went in for surgery.... a week since we were told things were tenuous... a week since we were holding out hour-by-hour... a week since we pleaded with God to miraculously heal... a week since I, once again, committed Florian into God's care...

Last Sunday we met briefly for prayer and following that Florian said, "God gave me a new spiritual heart many years ago; now I am being given the opportunity for a new physical heart". Little did we know just what kind of "heart" God had in mind for him.

Florian didn't ever recover from surgery; he had a heart attack coming out of the procedure and his heart simply could not overcome the stress of the events. He left us Wednesday morning (the 10th) after the medical team worked through the night, throwing everything at him that they had in their arsenal.

We celebrated his life on Saturday (13th) - my prayer remains that the service was not only a celebration of Florian's life but also a clear testimony to what God had done in Florian these last 29 years as he endeavored to live his life in total submission & surrender to the will of God.

And now... Psalm 20 has a different feel to it, but it is what will carry me... carry us... through these next difficult days:

In times of trouble, may the LORD answer your cry.

May the name of the God of Jacob keep you safe from all harm.

May he send you help from his sanctuary and strengthen you from Jerusalem.

May he remember all your gifts and look favorably on your burnt offerings.

May he grant your heart's desires and make all your plans succeed.

May we shout for joy when we hear of your victory and raise a victory banner in the name of our God.

May the LORD answer all your prayers.

Florian had a theme song that marked the way he chose to live each day: Rich Mullins, Step By Step. I feel the weight of the mantle as it behooves me now to take the torch that has been passed to me... to continue with the legacy that he left us... to follow Jesus, step by step.

oh my goodness. . .

2010-11-06T21:46:00.004-06:00

I cannot believe that it has been more than 2 months since I last posted... what have I been thinking?!?! or as my dear husband might say to that, "maybe you haven't been?!"

In a nutshell... we've survived minor crises... spent much time traveling back & forth between my folks' and home...

We moved my folks from the acreage into a home in town. It's a strange thing - the house holds memories for me that I have worked to forget. I have been hoping and praying that as it becomes my folks' home I can visit them without always remembering the other. As I think back over the last weeks, I think it's slowly happening - for which I am deeply grateful.

Mid-September we attended a pre-admission clinic... it was just the next step as we moved towards the long awaited surgery for Florian. We anticipated a call within a few weeks indicating that his surgery had been scheduled, but many weeks passed and no such call.

That changed yesterday. The phone rang. Florian looked at the call display and said, "oh oh. This is it." He was right. They informed him that he is scheduled for surgery on Tuesday afternoon - just 4 days from now.

Since then we have switched into high gear: re-scheduling other appointments; letting each of our kids know and answering their anxious questions; a flurry of emails as Florian contacted his work associates. Today the activity continued as we sorted through most of the remaining "stuff" in the garage. Don't get me wrong - we've been working at this all fall, but with the surgery just around the corner, we needed to pick up the pace a little.

Now what? Well, there's still a few things to take care of on Monday but we've done most of what we can do. Now we turn our attention to those things that are really important - the state of our emotions as we face this next step.

How are we really doing with this? Florian is calm. My head says "God is in total control and knows the outcome". My heart ... not so much. There's a long 12" disconnect for me between what my head is saying and what my heart is feeling...

I feel certain that I will come to the place where I am able to believe with my heart also... but for now, I'm not quite there. I know that God is able. I know that God is faithful. I know... I know... I know... yet the battle is raging as I wrestle...

Thanks, dear brother, for your wonderful words of encouragement from Psalm 20. It is what will carry me/us through this week:

In times of trouble, may the LORD answer your cry.

May the name of the God of Jacob keep you safe from all harm.

May he send you help from his sanctuary and strengthen you from Jerusalem.

May he remember all your gifts and look favorably on your burnt offerings.

May he grant your heart's desires and make all your plans succeed.

May we shout for joy when we hear of your victory and raise a victory banner in the name of our God.

May the LORD answer all your prayers.

a parent . . . a child . . .

2010-08-31T15:36:00.005-06:00

It's hard to be the parent and watch your kids struggle with all that makes life what it is: decisions for today - decisions that will affect tomorrow - decisions that have consequences (known & unknown) - and to learn what it means to be content. That one is especially hard.

and to learn to trust. God. to place in His Hands their future. A future that has so much opportunity. A future that they can't see. A future that has so much potential. A future that offers no guarantees.

Yet. It's also hard to be the child. To watch the parent age. weak. frail. just shells of who they once were.

It's been an interesting last few months.

We have celebrated and rejoiced greatly as we welcomed a dear young woman into our family. What a great celebration of God's love and of the love of two young adults. A celebration of family. A celebration of blessing. Great memories to cherish and to treasure in a heart that is filled to the brim and overflowing...

At the same time, we've come to a crossroads. The home place is sold. The outbuildings are empty - hollow and mere skeletons of what they once were - of what they once held. Memories flood through my mind as I wander the yard, remembering.

Here we played kick-the-can; we scaled that building; we sat on this rooftop; we drove the scooter here; the lake.... a terrifying and fearful place about which we warned our children - don't try crossing it in winter - the ice is not stable. Don't get too close to the bank - it's steep and the water is deep.

Oh. And these favourite spots where we hid eggs & treats at Easter.

The lilac bush... "Remember when...... ?"

My feet kick the gravel - no longer do I need to worry about whether I'm leaving a trail of scuffling feet. It won't be long now before I'll not drive onto the yard, looking to park my car under the shade of the trees.

My eyes water. My throat tightens. This has been my home. What will it be like to drive to see my folks - but not stop to turn in at the 1st driveway? but to drive on by. Past the 2nd driveway. Into town. To the house that they have now purchased.

I don't like the home they've bought. It's a house that I'm familiar with - a house that holds memories that I'd rather leave behind. Maybe in time those memories will fade. Maybe in time it will become my parent's home. Maybe in time. . .

I know it's been a long stretch...

2010-07-13T20:30:00.003-06:00

since my last entry.

In the same way that rays of sunshine sometimes break through to bring warmth and cheer before once again being hidden by cloud cover, so too the song-less nights have broken and we have experienced short periods of joy as our souls have broken out in a few notes of song.

It's not a sad time but definitely a time of quiet surrender and renewed prayer during the sleepless nights.

For now, this is the journey that is ours. I know we do not walk it alone - and for that, I am so very grateful.

Until next time, we press onward...

how can I sing. . .

2010-05-10T09:53:00.004-06:00

when there is no song? Like the Israelites when they were taken captive, sitting beside the rivers of Babylon. They had hung their harps on the branches of the poplar trees and there they sat. How could they sing? (Ps 137:1-4)

The other day my daughter talked to me of feeling the same way. As one of the oldest in the youth group she feels a need to set an example - but she too feels caught in her "dark night of the soul".

I had no answers to give for I too am experiencing my own "dark night". What can I possibly say to her that will reflect authenticity? My inability to give her any guidance hung like a heavy cloud over my already darkened soul.

A few days later I picked up my Bible Study again (Beth Moore's ,Stepping Up: a journey through the Psalms of Ascent). I am ashamed to admit that a 6 week study has taken me nearly 6 months to complete; yet, I marvel at its timeliness for as I picked it up, these words spoke to me:

"Night services were often held in the temple courts in association with the feasts.... Remember how we pictured the lamplights of those small shelters pitched as far as eye could see on the hills surrounding Jerusalem? We may know about the nights o the feasts, but what about the nights of the soul?

By all means, we want to "cry out under" our "load of oppression" and "plead for relief from arm of the powerful" (NIV), but we also want to seek our God and Maker and ask Him to give us songs in our night.

As any song writer of our time and he or she will tell you that clearest and deepest words God grants the soul are often those that come in a dark season of life. One of the dearest treasures in your darkness will be the God-song He will give you if you'll receive it. To stand in the presence of the Lord when you'd rather to go to bed and never get up, and to praise Him in the night when taunting voices tell you to curse Him - these things are nothing less than a battle cry of victory. ...

Don't wait! Praise God the second you don't feel like it The second you feel defeated "Now!" Your tempter tempts you to praise God the least when you need to praise the most. A true psalmist praises his way to victory, knowing it will come because the praise itself renders the first blow to his enemy's brow. God's faithfulness then calls for man's gratefulness. Inherent in the call to 'bless Yahweh' is the cry to thank Him. In Karl Barth's words, "Charis always demands the answer eucharitia. Grace and gratitude belong together like heaven and earth. Grace evokes gratitude like the voice an echo. Gratitude follows grace as thunder follows lightning."* **

I came to understand three things:

The song must be sung. It may not be "my" song, but we do what we have come to do - and that is to praise Him
In time, I believe that I (and my daughter) will once again have a song to sing that is mine - that is ours
Until that time, there still is a song to be sung. God is faithful. He is unchanging. He is to be praised. It may not be the "song of my soul", but for now we do what we have come to do - and that is to praise Him.

How can I sing? no... I need to change my focus... In consideration of the One to whom we sing, the question that I must ask becomes, "How can I not sing?"

Photo courtesy of John Hutmacher & USDA Forest Service
* Karl Barth. Church Dogmatics (Edinburgh: T&T Clark, 1961), 4.
** Beth Moore. Stepping Up (Nashville: Lifeway Press, 2007), 165-166.

as we anticipate April. . .

2010-03-31T10:17:00.003-06:00

I wrote a short reflection for our church newsletter that will be ready for distribution on Sunday.

April showers bring May flowers…. I’m sure we’ll hear this little rhyme many times this month as we eagerly anticipate the warmth and colourful display of spring.

As I thought a little bit more about this, I realized there could be some deeper truths to explore.

Sequence – God’s plan is never our plan. April and showers must come first.

Showers – sometimes they come into our lives as torrents of rain – our umbrella of hope threatens to turn inside out as the winds blow with gale-like ferocity. We tighten our grip and, with tenacious determination, we draw that umbrella a little closer in a desperate effort to keep the rain from drenching us. At other times, the rain is a gentle mist – not enough to really require an umbrella and we step out with anticipation. We turn our faces towards the cool drops and enjoy the cooing mist as the tiny droplets splash across our face.

The earth is dry from its winter season of hibernation. It eagerly soaks up these April showers, regardless of whether they’ve come in torrential downpours or gentle droplets of moisture. They are the life-blood of the May flowers that are to come – of which we wait with eager anticipation.

Can you see a deeper truth here? Sometimes the rains of adversity can threaten to overwhelm us – to turn our umbrella of faith inside out and render it useless, except to catch the rain.

Other times, the rains come as a gentle shower and we relish in the outpouring of God’s grace and tenderness as we welcome the refreshing and renewing showers. Like young children, we frolic in the rain and relish the feeling of carefree abandonment as we find the biggest puddles in which to jump and splash.

Either way, April showers result in beautifully fragrant blossoms in May – flowers of a faith whose roots are stronger and deeper – flowers of faith that now bless others with their fragrance – blossoms that bloom with brilliance as we display God’s incredible faithfulness to us.

May the April showers bring about God’s flowers in May.

today is the first day of spring

2010-03-20T16:28:00.003-06:00

and I noticed that my tulips in the courtyard are up! As the rest of the yard is still sporting remnants of snow, I didn't even think to check this warm corner. At this rate, I'll need to be watering them soon!!

and yet. As wonderful as it is to see these signs of spring, it means for us that we continue to march closer each day to yet another family 'speed bump'.

This next week Florian is scheduled for an angiogram. While we're not concerned about the test at all, it represents for us that we're one step closer to the day that he will undergo heart surgery. We haven't been notified of a scheduled date, but they have suggested that it will be soon... as early as spring.

Well, guess what? Today is the first day of spring which means that it could be any time within the next short while.

Where does that leave us today? really, in no different a space than yesterday or the day before yesterday... or tomorrow or the day after tomorrow.... We continue to place ourselves in God's Hands. He continues to shape... to mold... to speak words of assurance... and in turn, we continue to cling to Him knowing that He has us in His precious grip!

what is "normal". . .

2010-02-11T21:56:00.007-07:00

besides (as my husband used to love to say) a setting on the dryer? But since December, he's declared that the word "normal" no longer exists in our family lexicon.

Somehow our family will return to a degree of normalcy but I don't know what that will look like or when it will happen.

My husband's mother passed away two weeks ago - just about a week after my last blog entry. My husband and his brother were called to the hospital just after lunch as she was "unstable". By late afternoon she was gone.

The following week was a flurry of activity... and that flurry won't be over any time soon as we now turn our attention to emptying her apartment and getting it ready for new tenants for month-end.

I realized today that physically I've turned on "auto-pilot", but emotionally I feel numb. I don't have answers that the others want; I don't know when our family will feel any amount "normal" again; I don't know how to be "strong" anymore and I don't know if I want to be either; I don't know how to "fix" our family as it seems that everyone has pulled away into their own world of survival. . .

All of these could work together towards helping us feel somewhat "normal" again... but somehow it won't ever be the same as it once was... and maybe that's OK...

My brother was here early January and he talked about "life defining moments" and how they, as a family, experienced some of those. I understand that the events from these last months definitely have the makings of being one of those "defining moments" for us. The question is, then, What will this "defining moment" look like? How do I/we want to proceed from here? What kind of lasting impact will these events have on our family? When we look back, will we see it as something that pulled us apart? or did it make our family bond stronger?

It somewhat feels like a refining process. If that is what it is, then I want us to come through the fire having a little more of the impurities burned away - reflecting a little more clearly the image of the One who is doing this refining in us. It's not easy. It hurts. It seems to take a long time and we don't necessarily see any immediate results. Yet. In the end, when we look back, I hope we can say it was worth it.

some rambling thoughts

2010-01-23T19:57:00.005-07:00

that need a place to land...

Today has been an emotionally hard day.

On the one hand, we're absolutely thrilled that our daughter is home. There is joy in that. I enjoyed sleeping in my own bed last night.

and yet I'm afraid. I want desperately for the antibiotics to do their work - I want desperately for there to now be major progress in healing. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid of another infection - afraid that there will be another "speed bump". I'm running on empty, physically & emotionally, and don't know that I will have strength to face something more.

Florian's Mom also remains in hospital. She's not improving... These last weeks have taken a real toll on Florian as not only was he coming to the hospital to see his daughter, but he was also trying to spend large amounts of time with his Mom who is hospitalized at another facility.

Tonight I feel as though I've hit the wall. I don't know how much more we can handle...

I know that God is in control. I know that He gives us only what we can bear. I know that He will carry us - that "underneath are the everlasting arms". I feel like I'm standing in the river, facing a raging tide that threatens to pull me under.

and yet.

A song that was just playing downstairs by Steven Curtis Chapman is timely.... "His strength is perfect when our strength is gone. He'll carry us when we can't carry on..."

what a precious promise... and as I have been reminded over & over, we are in His precious grip...

it's good to be home . . .

2010-01-22T20:04:00.005-07:00

from having been at the hospital once again with my daughter. Fortunately, her stay wasn't as long this time - I/we spent just a week there.

Last week I noticed that the spot where they had put the drain from her spinal fusion was no longer dry. We spent Saturday in ER and by Monday she had undergone yet another surgery. This time the surgeon re-opened her spinal incision to clean out the infection that had lodged there.
The next day, they also ordered some extra x-rays of her thumb/wrist only to discover "hot spots" that indicated something wasn't right. She got a bright neon green cast to stabilize her thumb/wrist in an effort to promote healing.
,
She is now home not only with the green cast, but she is also sporting a PICC line and wearing/carrying a big black fanny pack that holds the pump and pouch of antibiotics.

I/We have seen enough of hospitals to do us for a l-o-n-g time. As amazing as medical advances and procedures are.... there are still no guarantees and we continue to pray that the Great Physician will touch her body and bring healing.

Yes, it's good to be home... but even more so, it's good to know that ultimately, our daughter is in His hands... the hardest part is to remember that when there seem to be so many speed bumps along the way...

In the meantime, I am so looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight!!

you know the saying . . .

2010-01-08T15:43:00.003-07:00

the best laid plans of mice and men... That basically sums up the past few months in our home.

In a nutshell, between the months of October and December, every member of our family has been in a car accident of some degree. The last accident was just days before Christmas when our son tried to take evasive action and instead hit another vehicle. While we are so very thankful that everyone "walked away" from the accident, our daughter sustained severe injuries.

She was hospitalized with 2 fractured vertebrae requiring a spinal fusion of 3 vertebrae. The following morning saw her re-enter the Operating Room as they performed emergency surgery, trying to determine the cause of the fluid in the abdominal cavity. She remained in hospital for 16 days while they (1) waited for enough healing to take place so they could make her back brace and (2) dealt with an infection.

Our plans for Christmas? put on hold while we sat in her hospital room trying to encourage her and keep her company.

Now that she is home, we have had to adjust her pain medication. HomeCare visits take place regularly as they care for her incision.

We are tired. Slowly we will regain strength. Slowly our daughter will recover. Slowly we will return to our daily routines.

But for now. Our best laid plans have gone up in smoke. We realize once again how fragile life is and we remain grateful for the prayers of many across North America who have upheld us in prayer. God is faithful. God is in control.

Although we have no idea of the "why", we trust that God knows and for now.... that is enough.

What an incredible reminder to us that:

our children are in God's Hands
we really have no control over what happens each day
we do have a God who is in control of all things

So where from here? If God wills, we're planning on having our Christmas celebration tomorrow!!!

.

a place of "in between". . .

2009-12-15T21:10:00.004-07:00

I started looking at Ps 126 today and found it interesting to realize that it can be divided into two parts: v.1-3 are a remembrance of what God has done in the past and v.4-6 look to the future.

In between those two sets of verses is what I would call "today". I can look back and remember good things that God has done... brought deliverance from fear, anger, hurt... brought healing... I recall His faithfulness as we walked through some dark days...

I look to the future and anticipate what God will do in our lives.

Yes, God is faithful. The events of the past are witness to that. I believe that He will be faithful in the days ahead - He has promised that.

But for today. I teeter on the brink. I wonder , "How long, O Lord? Have you forgotten us? When will You act?"

My head knows all the right answers... but my heart feels a little less sure.
My head says, "Remember His faithfulness". My heart feels heaviness and asks, "How long?"
My head says, "Great is Thy faithfulness. His mercies are new every morning". My heart cries, "O Lord, forgive my feelings of hopelessness and doubt. Help my unbelief"
My head says, "You do not walk this journey alone". My heart begs, "Help me to know Your presence"

and yet... for today... I'm in that place of "in between". . .

have you ever felt....

2009-12-13T13:47:00.005-07:00

alone? forgotten?

I heard another challenging sermon today... We often feel that God has forgotten us. Certainly Israel felt that way. Assyria was knocking on their door and they were not only afraid, but felt God had abandoned them.

Ever feel that way? that you were all alone in the struggles that you were facing? that perhaps even God has abandoned you? and worse, has forgotten you? My heart broke as our pastor described a time in his early school years when he had been forgotten. He had been made to stand with his nose against the brick wall as discipline for not getting into line quickly enough... The rest of the students filed into the school and got settled into their classes... but not our pastor. For forty-five minutes he stood there... all alone... The teacher had forgotten about him... and my heart cried it resonated with that feeling of having been forsaken... alone... and terrified of making another wrong move...

The trouble with Israel was that they had forgotten God. They had ceased to seek Him and now... when trouble was knocking at their door, they felt all alone.

But there is good news. God has not forsaken His own. He has promised to walk with us moment by moment. Yes, the way may be dark and we may not see Him, but He is there. Take heart. He is there and His presence brings joy. How can it not? for He is joy.... unspeakable joy.

During this season of busy and crazy schedules, let's not forget to remember God and in that remembrance perhaps we will find joy... and peace... and hope.

photo credits to Aliyar Taravati

mountains... and peace....

2009-12-06T17:00:00.004-07:00

Psalm 125 begins with,

Those who trust in the LORD are like Mount Zion,
which cannot be shaken but endures forever.
As the mountains surround Jerusalem,
so the LORD surrounds his people
both now and forevermore.

Ever considered mountains? On a clear day I can see the Rocky Mountains from here. Standing so majestically, they remind me of strength and permanence. They are the epitome of immovability!!! and just as Mount Zion surrounds Jerusalem, sure & secure, so too the Lord surrounds us, His people. If we trust in Him, we are surrounded with a blanket of security - we are safe! and above all, that security is immovable - it's unshakable!!

Even when life around us seems to be going crazy and stuff is happening that we just don't understand - God's presence is there. He is standing between me and all the "stuff"... He is surrounding me... and He is immovable!!

What does that look like in real life? This past week has been unbelievable. Our oldest son had an accident with his car last Friday. The streets were skating rinks and another vehicle pulled out of a parking lot in front of him. As much as he tried to avoid a collision... my daughter was in the car. She's had a headache since that evening - the result of whiplash. Two days later, my son's car packs it in. It's now sitting at a service station waiting for a transmission. Of course, my son is looking at his bank account and realizes that this is going to cost a fair bit of money.

Where is God? Where is this protection? Let's take a closer look...

except for my daughter's whiplash, the others didn't sustain any injuries
my son does have enough money in his bank account to pay for the work
my son had a friend who could give him a ride the morning his car died
my son was able to get off the freeway and limp into a parking lot

Today our pastor spoke on being peace in places where there is no peace. Our home this past week has been one of those places that has needed some extra peace. What does this mean for us? for me? We came home from church to... no water. There's a break in the water line that the city is trying to fix today. How can I find peace? no... the question is not how can I find peace. The question is, "How can I BE peace in this situation?"

The answer I believe is found at the beginning of this post. "As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so the LORD surrounds his people." God is still here. God is surrounding us. The LORD is the Prince of Peace. As He is the Prince of Peace, that means we are surrounded by Peace - His Peace. I just need to allow that peace to fill my heart and then, by God's grace, may I be a vessel of peace to those around me.

from where does your help come?

2009-10-01T14:17:00.003-06:00

I was reading Ps 121 today - doing a bit of a study on it actually.

"I lift up my eyes to the hills,
where does my help come from?

My help comes from Yahweh
the Maker of heaven and earth.
.
.
He will not slumber
.
.
He who watches... will neither slumber nor sleep"

He does not slumber ~ He does not sleep ~ He watches over you 24/7 - and will protect you from all harm...

Reflecting on the past few weeks, I realized that.... I've been alot like Peter. He got out of the boat just fine. At that point, his focus was on Jesus. But then the waves started to surround him - high waves - waves that were threatening to drown him - and guess what? He looked down. That was his mistake. He lost his focus.

"I lift up my eyes. . . from where does my help come?"

I've lost focus the last few weeks - looking at the waves that were threatening to wash over me instead of lifting up my eyes....

"My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth"

what a treat . . .

2009-07-21T14:27:00.002-06:00

My son surprised me today with a quick stop by the house.

He had to come into the city for a supply run and took the time to come home for a quick minute.

While making a sandwich for lunch he talked... and talked... and talked.

It was such a delight to hear him talk about the things that are filling his thoughts.

God is so very real to him ~ I am deeply grateful.

celebrating life . . .

2009-07-18T19:23:00.003-06:00

Have you given any thought to the kind of legacy you're in the process of leaving behind? Whether we are aware of it or not, we are each creating some kind of legacy that will be left behind when we die.

Today we celebrated the life of a man who was well-loved and "finished well". He was the most godly man that I know and the afternoon was filled with stories of how he impacted lives all across the world. He was generous, loving, faithful and lived his life with integrity. The legacy that he has left behind for his kids & grandkids is incredible.

That has left me wondering... what kind of legacy am I creating for my kids? Will others be able to say of me that I "finished well"? that I was a woman after God's own heart? Those are my deepest desires and today provided me with yet another opportunity to reflect & re-evaluate.

Thanks John for your example of faith ~ for your wise words of guidance ~ for being a man of God ~ for your role model ~ for having a lasting impact on my life.

what do you do . . .

2009-07-12T21:20:00.003-06:00

when there's nothing you can do?

Praying seems so . . . easy to offer and yet it certainly doesn't feel like it's really helping to ease the burden . . .

I drove to the airport yesterday evening to pick up a dear friend. She had flown here to be with her mother-in-law. Her FIL had just yesterday been placed in hospice care and . . . well, I just feel so helpless. Their journey is so hard ~ and there's no guarantee when God will hear their heart's desperate cry to release him from his pain & suffering. Saying goodbye is so very hard. How do you ever prepare yourself for this?

Platitudes are so easy to come by... yes, it's wonderful to know that he is headed for heaven and we are so very thankful for that, but it's hard to face and say the final farewell.

And so I sit here with tears welling up and I hardly know how to bear the pain...

but then I think of my dear friend and her family and realize that if it's this hard for me, it must be nearly unbearable for them. . .

and in my state of helplessness, I pray ~ for that is all I can do at this moment.

I haven't figure this all out yet . . .

2009-06-24T12:35:00.003-06:00

but some of what I've been thinking lately is about conversation.

I've had a few conversations the last while that have troubled me. There seems to perhaps be a deeper need than just what appears on the surface. How does one recognize that? How can one do more than just offer advice? spiritual counsel, if you will? How can I speak to the heart?

I've been reading Larry Crabb's book, Soul Talk Yesterday I came across this:

"As I looked at the husband weeping in my living room and at his wife stting numb and motionless, I could think vision. The memory of Dad at breakfast helped. I longed for Christ to be formed in their souls until they valued fellowship with the Trinity above protection from pain, above every pleasure that second-thing blessings could provide.... I had a vision for them. I wanted them to move toward each other in a way that thrilled the Lord, in a way that would make it plain to anyone who watched that these people had been with Jesus, and that nothing mattered more."*

hmmm... to value fellowship with the Trinity above everything else? to have people see me and it would be plain that I had been with Jesus, and that nothing mattered more?

It reminds me of another book I read this spring, Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. Quoting from the back cover, "But what if God's primary intent for your marriage isn't to make you happy . . . but holy? And what if your relationship isn't as much about you and your spouse as it is about you and God."

Somehow I think we've gotten it all wrong, trying to be religious and pious, offering answers... answers and 'help' that will make us look wise and spiritual... answers that will make us feel good about what we've been able to do in helping others sort through things... answers that put bandaids on scrapes & cuts. When, maybe... just maybe.... it's not really about that at all.

What if it's really about seeing things from a different perspective... maybe seeing things from God's perspective... maybe it's about wanting more than anything else "to please God more than we want to please others or win back an estranged spouse or straighten out a rebellious kid. Maybe it's about wanting to experience Him more than we want to be right, to be in control, or to enjoy the 'good life'..."* Maybe it's about "enjoying God so much that we want to reveal what He's like to others"*... Maybe it's about "seeing a passion for God ruling in the human soul..."*

What do you think?

* Larry Crabb, SoulTalk (2003, Integrity Publishers, p.104,108)

this week. . .

2009-06-22T14:51:00.003-06:00

on the devotional blog for women, (Woman to Woman) there's a great interview with Lori McCroskey from Clear Dollar Stamps.

Not only did I find it inspiring, but it made my heart smile as I read Lori's story because it is always such a joy to find women who strive to keep their love for Jesus "front & centre" - women who continually strive to bring glory to God in all they say & do, whether it's running after toddlers, in their business practices, or in the conversations that take place in their homes.

May you be encouraged & blessed as you read an interview with Lori.

p.s. Lori has also been very generous in offering 4 stamp sets.... if you think you'd like the opportunity to be on the receiving end of her generosity, you can read about it here.

have you wondered. . .

2009-06-04T09:40:00.003-06:00

why God doesn't seem to give us any explanations when things just don't make sense?

I have. I have had the most confusing & bewildering time this past year. I thought I had clear direction to move ahead and yet when I did, the doors were closed? It just didn't make any sense. Either I was misunderstanding God's OK.... or maybe .... was He playing some kind of cruel joke on me?

I'm just starting a study in the book of Job and read this as part of the introduction. It's from Search the Scriptures*:

"The principal agony lies, not in his (Job) diseased body, but in his bewildered mind. His cry to God to explain Himself is maintained with growing impatience....

At last his desire is granted. God speaks to him, but very differently from his expectation. The sole divine answer consists of a vision of God's great power. Job, seeing his small concerns against this vast back-cloth, is humbled and silenced. Then God commends him, and he is restored."

It has taken a long time, but I think I'm OK with those closed doors. It has forced me to consider other paths... other directions... and in that I realize that God's OK was there, but maybe, just maybe, it was me who misunderstood... that this was God's way of re-directing my thoughts.... of knocking on a different door that I will find open....

* Search the Scriptures (1974, InterVarsity Press)

good results

2009-05-16T20:49:00.002-06:00

So Florian saw the doctor on Thursday and heard once again, "no lumps or bumps". These are words that bring a sigh of relief. We are so very grateful to hear the wonderful news once again.

Yet, so many have heard different words and we wonder why we are the ones who are still in remission while these others have not been as fortunate?

Last night I attended the Gaither Homecoming Concert with 3 of our kids and at one point Bill Gaither commented how there probably was no one there who had not had cancer touch their lives in some way. One of the guests who sang had just last week received word that after 4 years she is cancer-free; another guest singer had just finished her rounds of chemo. Sitting with me was a dear friend whose father had recently been diagnosed with cancer and had surgery only a few weeks ago. Even in our family we have some who are still fighting the disease and we wonder about the outcome.

Cancer has truly invaded our world. It is an ugly disease. I dreaded it. I still hate it. But its presence cannot be denied for it has touched our lives in a very real way. Presently it is being held at bay but for how long we do not know. For others, it is a battle that continues to rage.

I want to walk beside these dear friends & family members and offer our support and encouragement. It is hard, though, because there is a certain guilt that we feel - one that makes us feel somewhat hypocritical or insincere. It seems impossible to rejoice in our remission and yet sorrow for those that are still struggling. We do care - we really do. We also feel guilty. At the same time we try to reconcile in our minds the fact that this is our path and the other is theirs - and somehow they are both God-ordained. . .

And so I pray. I pray that they would accept our feeble attempts of support and encouragement. I pray that our words would be few. I pray that we would each take our days - our moments - and live them to the fullest - making the most of each one so that we will have memories to cherish - so that we won't have so many regrets - that our lives would be a living testimony to the grace and mercy and love of Jesus that we have experienced - that we would bear fruit and bring about "good results" - God results.

it's time again . . .

2009-05-13T09:37:00.002-06:00

for Florian to have his 3-month check. I realized this morning that I'm a little nervous this time. We're closing in on 18 months of remission. Until now, I guess I've just assumed that there wouldn't be anything, but the longer we go... well, let's just say that I feel we're 'pushing the envelope' a little more each time.

My thoughts are a jumbled mess. I know God is in control. I know that today has enough troubles of its own without borrowing tomorrow's. I know that 90% of the things we worry about don't ever actually come to fruition. I know that whatever happens we will take it one step at a time.

and yet... I still ask, "What if . . . ?"

I am reminded of another woman's story I read yesterday. Friends of ours are very close to this family and I found her story online, "Death is Not Dying" .

If you pray. . . please pray for them. They are walking such a very difficult path - I cannot imagine how hard it must be for her. I cried as I read her letters. I cried as I tried to imagine having to say goodbye to my family. . . and I prayed for her . . . for her husband . . . for her children . . . for her family. . .

I have so much for which to be thankful. Regardless of the outcome of tomorrow's visit, we will take the hand of our Father and He will walk with us. What comfort there is in knowing that He cares so much - not only for us and our family, but also for Rachel Barkey and her family.

And guess what? He cares about you too!!!!

what do you want to do . . .

2009-05-06T08:35:00.004-06:00

. . . after high school?
what do you want to be when you grow up?
what do you plan to do with your life?

These are questions we often ask our children when they are young or approaching a major milestone in their lives.

I too have been asking these same questions.

Our youngest graduates from high school in 2 years. At that time, I will have spent the last 16 years devoted to my children & their schooling. What after that? What do I want my life to look like? What do I want to be when I grow up? How do I want to spend my time? In what ways do I want to use the gifts God has given me?

Last Friday, my husband & I took the day to drive down to Montana. Although our purpose was to pick up a package that had been shipped to Eureka, it gave us the day together, uninterrupted. We had a wonderful time together. On the way home, I drove for several hours. To help keep me alert, I initiated this discussion with Florian. Although we didn't arrive at any earth-shattering conclusions, it was good to have the opportunity to discuss the things that I have been thinking.

I don't have an answer. I don't know that I need to have it all 'figured out'.

What I do know is that for today I have been asked to continue focusing on getting my daughters through high school - to care for my family - to make our home a place of refuge.

Above all, I want to love the Lord with all my heart, mind & soul. I want to serve Him today.

giving a shout out...

2009-04-20T10:12:00.006-06:00

My dear friend Diane has introduced a new blog award from Women to Women.

She and I would love to start seeing it on hundreds of blogs. Hopefully it will encourage other bloggers to help us exalt the name of Christ as we share our papercrafting passions.

The Exalting Christ blog award is given to bloggers who consistently exalt the name of Christ on their blogs. What a joy to see crafters blend their passion for Christ and papercrafting. This award is given to bloggers who share Christ through their posts or through the design of their artwork. We are commanded in Scripture to be "salt and light" sharing the Good News of Jesus no matter where we are (Matthew 5:13-16). This award is just a way members of Women to Women: Sharing Jesus can say thanks for exalting Christ with us!

Rules:

1. Post the blog award in a regular post on your blog with the explanation, including the original link to WTW and the rules for passing the award along
2. Name five people (more or less is fine!) to whom you want to offer this award and link to their blogs. The blogs need to obviously exalt Christ in some manner.
3. Contact the bloggers you have named to let them know they can pick up their blog award from you.
4. Invite them to permanently display the WTW blog badge and/or the award on their blogs. The badge can be obtained on the WTW site.

*************

I am giving this blog award to:

Jennifer of Just Coffee Please is a wonderful wonderful friend who is just living life to the fullest as she radiates the love of Jesus.

PurpleStamper316 muses on her blog. What a witness to the love of Jesus as she provides thoughts on life, faith, art...

I got to actually meet Diane (momoffive) a few years ago!! She's an amazing woman!! She has been such an example to me of God's love in action as she juggles a very full plate!!

peggysue (Roses by my Window) is another friend that I got to meet IRL (in real life) a few years ago. I love her deep desire to honour God in all that she does - her love for Him is so evident!

Tricia (Simply Stamping) is another dear friend that I 'met' while ago. Tricia is a godly woman who seeks to shine for Him!!

Enjoy their blogs and let their creative works of art be an inspiration for you today!!

stepping out . . .

2009-03-24T09:24:00.002-06:00

A few months ago I was asked to consider writing a devotional for a new blog that a dear friend of mine was setting up. Diane has been such a blessing to me since I "met" her!!

Woman to Women Sharing Jesus is a "place where women can meet and share their love of Christ".

I invite you to come and be challenged... inspired... to enjoy the company of women who love Jesus.

I've been thinking....

2008-12-14T21:53:00.007-07:00

lately about a couple of things:

Kenosis... found in Philippians 2:5-8 we read how Jesus, emptied Himself and we are to 'have the same attitude of Christ Jesus'. What does that look like in real life? Do you suppose it's leaving what I'm doing to take a look at my daughter's school project? and doing it without complaining or feeling imposed upon? or perhaps taking to the sink the plates & cups left downstairs by the TV? again without putting on the garment of martyrdom? What about you? How can you, today, have this same mind of Christ?

Shalom... more than merely rest from chaos, shalom speaks of peace that comes from knowing the presence of God. As we heard this morning from our Senior Pastor, "Shalom is what happens when we are immersed, submersed, drowned, overwhelmed and drawn deep into God. Shalom. It just sounds like peace. It has to do with wholeness, completeness, and fulfillment." So what stands in the way of experiencing Shalom? What happens that we don't experience this peace? Could it be that every place where peace has been broken - in every instance it is because someone demanded their own way? If so, then Philipians 2:3 suggests that in order for Shalom to take place we have to become humble, and Christ again is our perfect example. "In humility consider others better than yourselves". Peace does not being by waiting for the someone else to start it and we do not offer Shalom becuase it is natural for us to do so, but because Jesus Christ has given us Shalom. Peace has come to us as a gift - a gift that was wrapped in swaddling clothes.*

With that, somehow it seems to me we can't have one without the other....

I pray that you will experience this wonderful gift that God has given us... Shalom

* sermon by Pastor Murray Swalm, Dec 14,2008

three months have passed . . .

2008-10-31T23:09:00.003-06:00

since I last posted here.

I guess one could assume that "no news is good news"?! Florian was back this week for another appointment and again... no lumps or bumps. We continue to be thankful.

At the same time, I have realized that it's become pretty easy to slip back into a mundane "every day's just more of the same" attitude... waking each morning expecting that the day will unfold as per "our" plans.

Are we back to the same place that we were before we started this journey? I certainly hope not.

To that end, I would like to ensure that during the next 3 months I praise God for each new day... that I daily count my blessings... that I affirm Florian for who he is and show my appreciation to him for all that he does...

My prayer is that, during these next 3 months, I wouldn't take so many things for granted . . .

and now for the rest of the story...

2008-07-24T20:44:00.003-06:00

Florian had an appointment at the Cancer Clinic today - just a routine follow-up with bloodwork and a "touchy-feely" exam.

We didn't know quite what to expect but the doctor's verdict given to Florian is that he no longer has lymphoma. What we believe the doctor means is that Florian is in full recession! We are thankful.

Furthermore, he should, at 7 months be free, from all side effects from the treatments. Since he continues to feel so very tired, the doctor has suggested that he make an appointment at a gym with a personal trainer to have an exercise program set up that will take into consideration his aneurysm. Then, with regular exercise, his energy levels should return to normal.

So there you have it.

God is good. His mercies are new every morning.

It's been about a year...

2008-06-25T22:41:00.004-06:00

since we started this leg of the journey. In some ways the year has just flown by so quickly... yet in other ways it feels like it's just been a grueling, daily struggle.

Reflecting on our lives today, I see that there has been an emotional toll that's been paid... school just couldn't get done soon enough (today was our last day). We had the option of enrolling dd2 into a course for summer school but in the end chose not. She was relieved - she was willing to take it if we wanted, but deep down really just wanted to have the summer to relax.

I'm also somewhat surprised at my own response to today: I'm not sure who is more excited to put the books away for the summer: me? or the girls? and I can let out an ecstatic scream of pure delight & relief that would challenge the best of the teenage girls in my house!!! LOL But does it ever feel good to release those emotions!!!!!

It's been more than a year since I've felt this relieved.... and I am looking forward to the next 2 months with great anticipation of: a trip to Mexico for dd1, outside projects that didn't get done last year, a trip to Creationfest for ds1, a family camping weekend in August, a bbq to celebrate 25 years, a week vacation as a family in August...

I look forward to finding ways to thoroughly enjoy our summer...

what struck me today....

2008-05-26T19:29:00.005-06:00

is that God desires our obedience... in every single thing.

My Bible study took me this morning to the Old Testament, to the book of Judges. The study question was basically this: Judah started out so well (in terms of conquering the land). What happened? If you read chapter 1, you'll see that they're doing great until they encounter a people with iron chariots. They allow fear to dominate and make a compromise. This, in spite of God's specific instructions to them: When you go to war against your enemies and see horses and chariots and an army greater than yours, do not be afraid of them, because the LORD your God, who brought you up out of Egypt, will be with you. (Deut 20:1).*

At the beginning of chapter 2, the angel of the Lord confronts them with their disobedience and issues the consequences.

I was convicted. I have, these last two weeks, allowed some disconcerting thoughts to pervade my mind. Like a dark cloud, they had settled over me and I had no desire to chase them away. But this morning, I realized that I was as guilty as the Israelites in not trusting... in not believing... in not completely obeying God. This is not the life of victory that God would have us... would have me live. What is my response?

The clouds have lifted - not by own power or doing (for I know that I am not capable of moving them on my own), but thanks be to God - He is able!

* Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society.

you know the saying....

2008-05-20T16:14:00.002-06:00

when life hands you lemons.... make lemonade! Well, I'm looking for the recipe!!

Florian met with a cardiovascular surgeon last week for a "surgical assessment". He is scheduled for an echocardiogram next month and a follow-up CT scan in October.

The first words out of the surgeon's mouth were, "it's not a matter of IF, but of WHEN". In the meantime, not only do we wait but Florian must be careful not to exert himself:

no shoveling snow (well, I'm hoping that's not an indication that we're in for a dump this summer LOL);
no contact sports (there goes his career!!! LOL!!!)
no lifting of more than 25-50 pounds (well, there's quite a difference between 25 pounds and 50 pounds... so which does he mean?!?! LOL!!!!)

In all seriousness, I think the restrictions placed on Florian make this seem so much more "real" and scary.

As an example, this weekend we did some yard work. Each time we turned to do something we found ourselves asking, "Is this too much exertion? should I do this rather than Florian? How much is too much?" And I don't want to live like that... always questioning... always wondering...

And Florian needs to understand that just because he can't do "A", he can do "B" and that it's just as important to get B done as A. Does that make sense? Maybe I'll do more of the physical work outside, but he can then take over inside. Oh, we do have to figure some of this out. Most of all, I don't want him to feel useless.

I think I've found the recipe!!! We're juicing these lemons... and humor is what's going to make lemonade palatable!! LOL!!!!

and once again. . .

2008-04-04T20:46:00.003-06:00

what a ride!!!! I love roller coaster rides, but oh my goodness... this one is the wildest one that I've ever experienced!!!

Florian's appointment today brought some good news. Although it still is unclear whether the aneurysm was there prior to January, it may not be as large as we were initially given to believe. If this is the case, there is a very good possibility that the surgeon will not recommend surgery, but will choose rather to watch it to see if it is growing and at what rate.

For me, I am glad that I settled the whole "surrender" thing prior to this. Why? Because I know that had I received the news without settling things, I would have just ignored my heart issue (pun not intended LOL) and that would have only served my selfish purposes.

and once again... I have to believe that God knows what He's doing... and I'm sure thankful that He's got His hands on the controls!!

I'm thankful for...

2008-04-01T07:54:00.003-06:00

routines that help keep each day focused, and I'm thankful that, as part of that routine for me each day, I try to spend time in quiet meditation & prayer.

While I still don't know what the future holds for me/us, I was reminded today that:

my help comes from the Lord
the Lord watches over you
He will watch over your life
the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forever (Ps. 121)

For what more can I ask?

Thanks again for the encouraging comments that you have left for me. What a great read! They have been timely reminders for me of "the Lord's great love... for His mercies never fail. They are new every morning; great is His faithfulness"! (Lamentations 3:22-23).

one step forward...

2008-03-31T08:51:00.003-06:00

and two backwards...

I will be honest. As much as I thought I had made my choice, I am having doubts about that.

How is it that it can seem as though I have made my choice one day and the very next day seem to be overwhelmed again by fear? It's like a sea of waves... one after the other... threatening once again to pull me under.

Hypocrite! A strong accusation. But I wonder. What about all the "faith" that I seemed to exhibit these last months? Where is it now? Am I nothing more than a hypocrite?

A friend yesterday explained that perhaps it's not that at all. My faith was what it was for what I was experiencing at the time. However, today I am facing new experiences - experiences that require a deeper faith. That doesn't negate my faith from yesterday. It just means that, for this "bend in the road", my faith will need to grow - to put its roots down just a little deeper.

Seeking the prayers of others, I am asked, "What is the Lord trying to say to you?" After a moment I realize that He is asking me to surrender. To surrender my hold on Florian. To surrender Florian into His care. That's a tough one - previous memories of nearly losing him to surgery rise to the surface and I find my grip tightening rather than loosening. I pray. We pray. Even as the tears course down my face, we pray that they can be the beginning of a new surrender.

That continues to be my prayer today... and maybe today I can take another step forward.

I have a choice....

2008-03-29T09:04:00.007-06:00

to make.

We received notice this past week that Florian is scheduled for a "surgical assessment" with a cardiovascular surgeon. We knew in January that this was a possibility because his last CT scan showed an aortic aneurysm of about 5.5cm in size. What does this mean? maybe surgery.... but then again, maybe not.

Initially, fear took reign and began to overwhelm me. But isn't God good? God brought people into my life & blog posts & I came to a realization that I am once again faced with a choice. Life really is all about choices, isn't it? I could continue to give in to fear OR I could choose to trust. It is my choice.

I have given my inner self a stern lecture... have prayed lots... and the bottom line is this:

God knows all about this too.

He is still in control of our journey & destiny.

He asks us to trust.

Actually, I have made my choice. I will choose to obey.

are we ready...

2008-03-27T20:18:00.002-06:00

for another "speed bump"? another "bend in the road"?

Is it possible to ever be ready?

Oh that I might once again trust... to not falter... to once again lay my burdens at the foot of the cross...

for only then will I be ready for whatever lies ahead.

I'm enjoying the quiet...

2008-02-24T16:30:00.004-07:00

not that my home is physically quiet today... after all we have 5 college students here along with DD1's friend and in a short while I will head out to pick up DD2's friend...

but it's quiet because in the midst of the many happy sounds that surround me I have found a quiet place...

and I have retreated to this quiet place, if for just a moment, and it allows me an opportunity to ponder this thought: the words "listen" and "silent" are spelled with the same letters....

Thus, in the midst of the cacophony of sounds, I eagerly retreat to a silent place deep within which gives me an opportunity to listen... for that which I eagerly wait to hear will make itself known through a still small voice...

In anticipation, I silence my heart and enjoy the quiet found therein.

i've been thinking...

2008-02-12T10:10:00.000-07:00

that I love & appreciate so much all the encouragement & support that I/we have received through all my dear friends as we've walked this path these last months.

But... I'm left with a nagging thought. Have I been "real"? I found myself posting only once I had worked things through in my mind and that may have left a slightly skewed perception that I have it "all together".

What is 'real'?

Reality is that I certainly don't have it 'all together'!!!

Reality is that I absolutely cannot do this on my own...
I struggle...
I question...
I doubt...
It's only as I turn my thoughts to the One who walks alongside me that I realize that He alone can calm my fears and give me strength to carry on.... (if I let Him!!!)

Reality is that, only as I acknowledge Him, I am not afraid... (well, not all the time anyway!!)

a different view...

2008-02-01T09:57:00.000-07:00

this morning as the sun is shining!

Yesterday we met with the specialist. I realized as we were heading into the appointment that we were both expecting to hear good news. But what if... ? Florian's response was just so right. What if? We have no control over what lies ahead - we walk the path that we have been given. So very pragmatic!

The doctor had just good news for us. Although one small area remains, the CT scan results were excellent. He was very pleased with how well Florian had responded to the chemo. We will have a follow-up appointment in about 2 months.

We have so much for which to be thankful. Thank you to all you our friends and family who have stood by us these months, supporting us and upholding us in prayer. We know without a doubt that you have made our journey easier by sharing it with us in these ways.

What a journey! Yet we know that, even though it may have seemed that way at times, the sun has never stopped shining.

What lies ahead? We don't know, but we do know that He knows and for now that's good enough for us.

where's the next...

2008-01-26T19:35:00.000-07:00

speed bump?

It had already been a crazy week. On two separate mornings I drove one of the boys to college because either there were crazy transit delays or a wallet was lost en route. It was Friday morning and I had just returned home from one of these drives.

As I entered the house I remember thinking, how wonky does a week have to get before you can consider it a write off? And then the phone rang.

It was Florian's uncle on the other end of the line, bringing us the news that Florian's dad had passed away early that morning. It came as a surprise and we spent the day trying to wrap our minds around this turn of events.

Early Sunday morning Florian & I left to make the drive to Dauphin, Manitoba. We spent this past week making funeral arrangements, cleaning out the place that was "home" to his Dad, encountering legal red tape and consequent roadblocks, and finally, with much yet unsettled, making the drive home.

It was a week where we turned our thoughts to what had to be done. Now that we are back we need time to "de-compress" - to process that which we have seen and heard - to turn our faces to the Son and enjoy the blessings that He so richly pours out on us.

What are those blessings? a few of them are:
- years ago Florian had made the effort to become reconciled to his dad
- we saw Florian's dad in November
- our kids, left on their own this week, managed unbelievably well
- friends called them several times throughout the week to see how they were doing
- my sister came each day to help with dinner & driving
- my brother came to the funeral (a 4+ hour drive for him) - what a gift!!

But the greatest blessing is that, having experienced God's grace & mercy in our lives, love & reconciliation with others is possible. I am humbled and grateful.

it's been too long....

2008-01-16T16:14:00.000-07:00

since my last entry. Thanks Suzanne for giving me just the nudge I needed LOL

Christmas. Why was I so "worried"? Florian had more energy those days than ever! To give you a glimpse of that energizer-bunny:

Dec 24.

Florian worked until just after lunch.
4:00pm napped
7:00 attended Christmas service at our church.
9:00 we're home and friends arrived for our annual Open House.
12:30am Florian went to bed

Dec 25.
3:00am Florian got up to mix cinnamon buns
5:00 the dough had risen, it was time to put the buns on pans
6:00 the oven was hot; time to bake the buns
6:30 buns baked; Florian started on bacon
8:00 everyone in the house was up, including Florian
He stayed up ALL day - no nap for him.
2:30pm Florian drove across the city to get his Mom who joined us for Christmas dinner
5:00 Florian drove his mom home
I don't remember what time he actually went to bed that evening but it wasn't before 9:00.

Dec 26:
9:00am we left for my parents' for the day. He drove. Once there, we visited all day. Again, no naps.
5:30pm Finally at dinner he looked at me and said, "I don't think I'll be able to drive home." well... that's not exactly surprising, honey.
But did he sleep on the drive home? No. While we were enjoying conversation & dinner, a snowstorm had come up which meant I had to drive through blowing snow, poor visibility and icy road conditions. He stayed awake to help me navigate, particularly those times where I could not see the edge of the highway, nor where the lanes were.

Wow. What an incredibly different week than what I was expecting. I am thankful that God blessed him (& us) with such amazing strength & endurance those days!!

now entering...

2007-12-19T22:39:00.000-07:00

the beginning of the last... Today marks the 1st day of fatigue & pain for Florian. However. This is the last time we have to go through this - at least for now :)

Florian finished his Prednizone yesterday; today was day 1 of Neupogen. Tonight he is already feeling the side effects with bone pain (hip and thigh). He came home from work very tired; took 1/2 hour to lie down while I worked on dinner.

I am afraid of the next two weeks - with each consecutive treatment the fatigue & bone pain & muscle cramps have not only been making their presence known earlier in the cycle but also have been somewhat more severe. Inwardly I am cringing at what I know lies ahead... I have to be strong for him... but from where will I find that strength? I'm tired - but not nearly as tired as he is. Emotionally I feel like I am falling apart - who will hold me together?

I know the answer - As I lift up my eyes to the hills — where does my help come from My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let my foot slip — he who watches over me will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD watches over me — the LORD is my shade at my right hand; the sun will not harm me by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep me from all harm — he will watch over my life; the LORD will watch over my coming and going both now and forevermore.*

I am thankful for the peace that comes as I, once again, take my cares & concerns and lay them down at the feet of the One who cares for me (1 Pet 5:7).

Practically, I am also thankful that aside from 2 Christmas gifts left to purchase we are basically ready for Christmas.

* Ps 121:1-8, New International Version (Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society)

it's been a long day...

2007-12-14T22:08:00.001-07:00

but we are thankful that they we come this far. Today was the 6th (and final) treatment. As Florian mentioned on his blog, it's so easy to become complacent.

We have much for which to be thankful:
(1) 6 treatments without any reactions
(2) side effects continue to be minimal
(3) a whole host of continued prayers being offered on our behalf
(4) as a result of #3, we have experienced so clearly the peace that passes all understanding - the peace that only comes from God

However. All this will be for naught if we have not learned from this journey. As I reflect on the past 3 months I have to ask myself, "Have my roots grown deeper? Am I different today? Has this "bend in the road" changed me?

I pray that I can honestly answer "yes" to each of these questions.

A stark realization. . .

2007-12-03T09:41:00.000-07:00

hit me yesterday.... as much as I had, this past summer, resolved in my heart to choose joy, my focus the last little while has been on the "storm", feeling threatened by the speed bumps and the bend in the road. Rather than lifting my eyes to the Master of the storm, I have allowed the storm to be the center of my focus. If I look into the depths of the sea, there I find calm water. There is where my anchor rests.... there my soul will find peace & joy.

As I/we enter this season of Advent, my prayer is that I/we will look beyond the tinsel & glitter, to move beyond the frenzy, and dig deeper to realize the peace & joy that is mine/ours because of Christ.

it's hard to believe...

2007-11-19T22:15:00.000-07:00

that we're already here. Treatment #5 scheduled for Friday ~ where have the last three weeks gone?

Florian is doing so well. He's still working full-time, but admittedly is experiencing much more fatigue than initially. Lately, he's been using weekends to catch up on needed rest, but this time our schedule didn't allow for much of that. I don't know whether fatigue is a reflection of low white blood counts, but I am praying that the treatment won't need to be rescheduled.

Last night in our Small Group Bible Study, we looked at the passage in Matthew where Jesus instructs us not to worry. During our prayer time, I had an awesome "light bulb" moment. You know what happens. The light is turned on as you come to a certain realization and you exclaim, "aha!! that's it!!!" I may not be worrying... but when my kids can't sleep at night because their minds just won't stop processing, maybe what they are really describing is worry. Interesting concept and I thank God for His insights. I think that maybe, just maybe, this is the answer that I have been seeking. May God grant me much wisdom as I take these thoughts and look for opportunities to speak of this with my children.

when trouble comes...

2007-11-06T13:55:00.000-07:00

God will sometimes take us through it; God will sometimes help us in it; God will sometimes keep us from it*

This echoes Beth Moore's observations in the study of Daniel (scenario A, B or C).**

When you are faced with trouble, how do you respond? Can you say with confidence that "He restores my soul, He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, Your rod & Your staff, they comfort me" (Ps. 23:3-4) or as Isaiah writes, "when you pass through the waters, I will be with you. And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned. Nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour" (Isa. 43:2-3)

In the book, When Your World Falls Apart, David Jeremiah writes:

"Every believer knows that when we walk through the valley of tears, God walks beside us, when we pass through the fire, He draws close to deflect the flames; when we wade through the flood He is nearby to keep our heads up. In the storm or in the earthquake or in the midst of any disaster threatening to engulf us - that's the time we feel the presence of the Lord as we've never felt Him before. Other so-called friends may disappear. their words may falter and their support may vanish. But God is closest in the crises, surrounding us with His presence. He promised us He would do it, and our Lord is always as good as His Word."***

What happens when we go through troubles? It's easy to think that God has forgotten us - that He has discarded us. It's a terrible feeling. But it's not true because "when we navigate troubled waters, God is the master of not only the waves, but also the ship."****

And so I am again comforted... people/friends may desert me but God is walking along side me - I may not see Him and some days I do not feel His presence, but in faith (as feeble as mine may be) I must trust... I must believe... I must cling to the promise of His never-failing presence for God IS with me.

* Jeremiah, David. When Your World Falls Apart (p. 114)
** Moore, Beth. Daniel: Lives of Integrity, Words of Prophecy
***Jeremiah, David. p.119
**** Jeremiah, David. p. 120

I can only see....

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but a step ahead. I wish the path was illuminated allowing me to clearly see what lies ahead. I want to know what happens at the end....

I've never been good at reading novels without peeking ahead to the last pages to see how everything turns out in the end. I can't stand suspense. That's why I'm not very good at handling surprises.... I like knowing what's ahead. I want to be in control and have everything go according to plan - my plan.

But if I knew exactly what lay ahead, would I be capable of handling that knowledge at this point? If I am totally honest with myself, I want to know but really only as long as the good guy wins in the end. I want to know that Florian will be OK - that his cancer will go into remission and never rear its ugly head again.

For today, I can only see the next step and need to trust that God not only can see the rest of the path but has orchestrated it to be exactly the way He deems is best for me - for Florian - for our family.

Can I be OK with only seeing my next step? Can I be OK with placing my hand in His and allowing Him to lead me along the road that He has laid out for me? Can I trust Him for that? That means I relinquish my need to be in control. That means that I have to be OK to not know whether the good guy wins in the end. That means I have to be OK with only seeing the next step. Am I?

have you ever wondered....

2007-10-01T19:29:00.000-06:00

why we sometimes find ourselves in hard times?

A book I started reading yesterday said this:

"You can struggle against the disruptive moment, shake your fist at the heavens, and find yourself exhausted, defeated, and in despair - or you can accept the moment and let it train and strengthen you... If you take the latter course, you'll discover on the other side more power, more holiness, and more fruit. Those are precious gifts that cannot be purchased with any coin other than tears. When you possess them, you'll comprehend with joy what God wanted so much for you to experience in your life.

God allows no pain without purpose. Instead, He uses pain to dispense power.....

Someone once told me that the times when plants grow the most are not necessarily during the warm, gentle rains or beautiful summer days. In fact, during fierce winds and raging storms come times of the most growth. Botanists tell us that if you were to take a cross-section of the earth during a vicious storm, you could literally observe the roots reaching further down into the soil."*

Incredible. Amazing.

Oh that I would allow this time to grow my roots deeper... to find on the other side more power, more holiness, more fruit. For if, on the other side of this "bend in the road", I am no different, what a waste.

* Jeremiah, David. When Your World Falls Apart. Nashville: Word Publishing, 2000, pp.23-24

and in the quiet stillness...

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... a voice speaks truth to my soul.

"God does not abandon us when we experience hardship and suffering but offers us comfort and hope.

Gracious God, thank you for continuing to speak to us when we forget that you are with us. Amen."*

While I contemplate these truths I receive another in the form of an e-card and again I am gently reminded that:

God is Hope. "May the God of hope fill you with peace... as you trust in Him" (Rom 15:13)

God is Comfort. "Through Christ our comfort overflows" (2 Cor 1:5)

God is with us. "Do not fear for I am with you... I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you." (Isa. 41:10)**

and my heart can find peace.... for once again I am able to "be still and know".

* taken from The Upper Room Daily Devotional, Sept 22, 2007
** © copyright 2006 DaySpring ® Cards. All rights reserved.

uncertain and afraid...

2007-09-22T10:46:00.000-06:00

but then, I should stop being so surprised at the roller coaster ride we're on! LOL

As we drove to the clinic yesterday, Florian was stressed. How could I tell? He was commenting on my driving - he seldom if ever comments on my driving... That didn't sit very well with me. However, it did cause me to pay extra attention and that was probably a good thing since my head was in a different space.

Then while we were waiting for the treatment to start, Florian commented on feeling much more uptight this time. He couldn't tell me why he was feeling that way... I just prayed that he'd be OK, that it wouldn't have any adverse affects. (there weren't).

I wasn't in a great emotional space either as we started the day. God is so faithful - I didn't know quite how to pull myself together but God did. I received an email which helped me understand and put things into a right perspective.

This "new normal" is ever before me and sometimes I feel so alone - life is moving forward for everyone - have they forgotten us? do they remember to pray?

As we start another treatment we are reminded of what we are facing - there's again the uncertainty of the future - and we aren't in control. But thanks be to God.... He is the One who is in control and we can certainly trust Him for He is faithful!!!

I remain so very thankful for all the support we receive: a quick email lets us know that friends were thinking of us today.... another comment that "we will definitely pray for you today - tomorrow - and on".... my online community sends prayers & hugs...

These remind me that we have not been forgotten.... we do not face this alone...

What can I say, except Thank You.

step by step...

2007-09-15T19:09:00.000-06:00

we'll make it through. Florian mentioned tonight that he needed to log his next journal entry. I thought, "Can we please just forget this week happened?"

It was tough - hard on Florian, hard on the kids, hard on me. Up until this week, Florian has really sailed through with very few side effects of his first treatment. But now - he began to have a fever. Our night was a complete write-off as he/I was awake every hour checking his temperature. If it didn't go down, we had been instructed to head to emergency. Fortunately we didn't have to make that trip, but in the morning there was another flurry of phone calls, appointments, driving him to & from .... is this our "new normal"? I certainly pray that it isn't... I don't know if I can physically withstand the demands.

Actually, I can handle the physical demands far easier than the mental & emotional strain - the stress that is mounting in our home. Christopher is having a hard time. He isn't saying much, but I can see that he's not coping very well. I see him depressed and frustrated and is having a hard time with everything. This, particularly, is hard to watch as a parent.

Each day I am asked, "How's Dad?" Telltale indications of how the kids are coping (or not).

I reflect on all this and remember that during the summer I had made a resolution to choose joy. Not happiness, but joy. To find joy and contentment in knowing that:

God is in control
He is in each circumstance
He IS

I confess that I haven't been doing so well with this; I really want my pity-party.

Friday Florian is finally able to work all day - the kids are relieved - I am relieved. I know that he's back to "normal" when I see him in the kitchen helping with dinner preparations.

Reflecting on this, I am reminded of a message Christopher brought home from chapel this week. If Satan can't make you 'bad', he'll make you 'busy'. I have been very busy - too busy... My quiet time has suffered.... and I wonder. Had I continued to make time for morning prayer & devotions, would I have coped better this week? A quiet inner sense persuades me that it would indeed have made a difference. That would have, in turn, made it easier for the kids.... I realize I need to make my quiet time a priority - I can't afford, for the sake of the kids, to have another week like this past one.

I am reminded, once again, to take each day one step at a time, and resolve to:
(1) make my quiet time a priority
(2) choose joy

beginnings...

2007-09-10T15:11:00.000-06:00

are always exciting! Beginning a new school year... Beginning a new season... Beginning.... anticipation & excitement of the "new" overshadow reality.

This time, however, I approach our new beginning with a completely different perspective. This is not a beginning that we would have chosen; we have, rather, been chosen for a "new beginning". Our lives will not know "normal" as we have known "normal" until now - for our lives have been invaded by the dreaded dragon known as "cancer".

Yet. Our lives can continue with a sense of normalcy for there is much that remains the same. God remains the same today as He was yesterday. God continues to weave a tapestry of threads - a tapestry that includes both the dark colours of sorrow and hardship and those lighter colours that reflect joy and carefree abandon. I am thankful that as God brings shadows into our lives, He never leaves us there. Like the Amish quilt pattern, Sunshine & Shadows,* He weaves both the darker hues & the lighter ones into a beautiful design - one that can only be appreciated because of the varying hues of colour.

Where do we go from here? How do we maintain our integrity as we encounter this new beginning?

We start by acknowledging that:
(1) God knows
(2) God cares
(3) God loves
(4) God IS

* Thank you, Boss, for your God-Breeze