graduation and more . . .

hmmm...  decided to see what I had last written and... well, oops...  those 3 months flew by and I managed to finish my studies, graduating in May.  I thought I'd be more excited. While it's great not to be stressing about assignments and papers, I've also realized that with the increase in work hours, it's hard to juggle all of life.

Lately, though, I've been wondering where to from here? Will I use that which I studied? If so, how? where? what will that look like?

This past Sunday one of our women pastor's was ordained in our church. While it was a day full of commendation and blessing for her, it got me thinking. Pondering. Wondering. What if? She knew upon leaving seminary that she was called to ministry. Through various closed doors, detours and other paths, she moved into a pastoral role within our church. Sunday was meaningful for her as it affirmed that call to ministry on her life.

I think I too have felt a call. But now I wonder...  am I just making this stuff up? Is it for real? I have a quote in Bible: "a call to ministry starts with a desire - leave it and if it is true, it will only grow stronger." Is that how it works? It seems to me that if it's just something I'm making up I should pray for God to take away that desire.

I have a proposal that's sitting on the desk in the corner office. I don't know if it will take me anywhere but .... what if?

eating the elephant. . . .

It's New Year's Eve...  took down the Christmas decorations this evening and now I am pondering the year.

Last I wrote I had quit working at the bank and didn't really know what was going to happen next. I chose to concentrate on my studies - thinking I'd look for work once I had graduated next year.

That changed in July when I took a call from a good friend. He was asking whether I'd consider filling in as church administrator for a few months. It would give him a little extra time to find someone to fill the role. As I thought about it, I decided that yes, I could, as a friend, do a friend a favour. I gave it my best shot and found that I enjoyed what I was doing. He had warned me not to get my hopes up - he was not looking to hire me permanently. Six weeks later I had to face the fact that I was thoroughly enjoying this new role and earnestly hoped he would reconsider his position when it was time to begin the search.

November he asked me if I wanted to stay.  Crazy how that happened.

It has meant, however, a change in the way we relate to each other. We are still very good friends, but we function now almost solely in a very professional working relationship. While, that is good (and necessary), there are parts of our friendship that I miss.

At the same time, I am shown much grace as my schooling is requiring more of me than I had expected. Two courses left and I am thankful that he has not increased my hours as initially discussed. Furthermore, he has offered suggestions for how I might cope with both the workload and the attention I need to give to my courses. Additionally, he has offered that I can take time away from the office in spring to concentrate solely on the last assignments so that I am able to finish well. It means much to me that I am able to dialogue with him about some of the things I am thinking. I am learning to understand this clay pot that is me with both its abilities and limitations.

As I look back, it has been a crazy time - busy and exciting and fun and stressful and exhilarating and exhausting. Two grandbabies to ♥ love ♥ and spoil and ♥ love ♥ and watch grow and ... did I say, ♥ love ♥?? bitter-sweet to be sure but they are sure fun to have around!! Five courses completed this year! Two months off from studying over the summer with this past month also as a short reprieve before everything starts up again in earnest.

As I look forward I am apprehensive - but I hope that I can learn to live in the present moment and not wish these next 3 months away - I hope I can learn to take each day / moment at a time, to learn to eat the elephant just one bite at a time.

so much that I don't know. . .

It's been just over three months since my last day at the bank. Have I looked back at that decision with regret? Not one bit. I felt so sure that it was no longer where I should be spending my time that it's been totally OK to not be working there anymore.
Was it the right choice? I think so. Out of that short stint of working, I received a number of gifts, all God-provided:
One. A lawyer.
Two. Another investment advisor.
Three. A credit card. in my name. with a decent limit.
Four. A better understanding of what I do well and what I don't do so very well.

I've interviewed at a number of different places and each time I've come up short. Second in line. I found that  frustrating and discouraging. Yet. I've also come to a place of being OK with that as I'm realizing that if I want to complete my studies by next year, I just cannot also work full-time.

I have 5 courses left. In order to complete them by Spring 2014, I need to take 2 this fall and 2 in January. They are demanding courses and I know that I don't have the time nor the energy for them and work. At least, not if I want to do my very best in my studies.

I'm also trying to figure out just what I want to do. I've been leading a mom's group (moms of young children) and I love meeting with them. I love listening to them and finding ways to encourage them - it's almost like there is potential for me to mentor / coach them. I like that. I'm also a spiritual director - I completed my training Dec 2012 and the two directees that I had to find for my practicum have both decided that they want to continue. I love that. I love the time that I spend with them.

Bottom line? I love the mom's group. I love being a spiritual director. (Is it wrong to say that? I hope not... ).  I love my studies (for the most part). I just don't know how all this is going to fit together...  but I also know that I don't have to have this all figured out yet. I'm trusting (hoping?) that God will let me know what & where & how & when...

twists and turns...

that I just couldn't see coming up quite so quickly have resulted in a number of changes for me already this month.

To start.  I met with my spiritual director end of December. During our session it became evident to me that I had a choice to make. Well, it wasn't really a choice. It was more a matter of when will I make the decision that I knew I needed to make?  I spent the next few days in prayer and realized that I was ready. I typed up the letter and on my second day back at work after the New Year, my manager had a quiet office. I took advantage of that and slipped in to talk with her. At the end of that meeting, she had my letter of resignation in her hand and I had 10 days of work left.

What was so amazing in the course of our conversation was that she affirmed for me a few things.  One, this position was not really a "fit" for me. While she was grateful that I had given it my best effort, she saw that it really was not something that was working well for me. Secondly, she mentioned that she knew what kind of work would suit me well. When I asked her if she would share her thoughts with me, she was quick to tell me that I was best suited for something like grief counselling or walking with others, entering into those "deeper conversations".

My jaw dropped. This affirmation was such a confirmation for me. It is the kind of work that I have begun through fulfilling the requirements for my course in Soul Care - specifically, in offering Spiritual Direction to others.

Friday was my last day at the bank. I don't know what the future holds. For now, I believe that I am now where God wants me to be. The hardest part is to trust that He will continue to be present as I turn my attention to my course work and as I look for ways to do the work that use the gifts He has given me. I am sure that there will be more twists and turns along the way - I just hope that I will be able to trust that God has my hand in His and therefore I don't need to see the road ahead.

more pondering. . .

So much to consider and upon which to ponder.
Much has transpired since the darkness returned; yet amid that darkness there has also come the realization that I am not alone.

This advent season I faced brokenness with new understanding. Broken peace as a result of broken dreams, broken faith, broken trust, broken hope. Is it any wonder that I have felt so conflicted inside? Where there is no trust, there can be no peace.

Life has taken another turn or two:

• I began a new job working as a teller at Scotiabank. 
• I participated in a Study Tour of the land of Israel
• I have wrestled with the darkness
• I have wrestled with the wilderness experience
• I have come to understand that perhaps I am ready to take a fledgling step into trust once again

The wilderness remains the place in which I live. The land of promise is in the distance. I cannot make it out clearly for there hangs in the air a haze. 

The way is ...  well, I don't know the way. Without a guide, I would surely get lost. There is One who knows the way. He has been in this wilderness. He has seen not only seen the land of promise but has also promised that I will one day i will stand at the border, ready to enter... and now He beckons me to follow Him. To follow? That requires trust. Will I choose to trust Him? 

That does not negate the reality that I cannot see the land of promise that lies in the distance. That does not negate that the way is unknown and even the next step is not seen. The haze that lies in the distance? It also hangs in the air that surrounds me, like dense fog. I cannot see where the next step will even lead. It means that my act of trust is to reach my hand into that haze and wait for the Father to take hold of it - to lead me as I take the next step. 

To reach? To trust? Will He take my hand? It is an act of faith - a first faltering step of trust. And what of the anticipation of what lies ahead? It is not possible to proceed without first pausing to remember:

• To remember when God was present
• To remember when he made himself known
• To remember when he protected
• To remember the goodness of the Lord
• To remember...  
• To remember...  
• To remember...

and then to wait...  to be silent...  to reach my hand into that haze... to trust... 

of breezes and sunlight

It came as a surprise as I sat in church that Sunday morning. Something was different. Very different. What had happened? What was this strange thing that was happening to me?

Upon reflection, I realized that the darkness had lifted and its place came sunlight, streaming through the open window. More than just sunlight, a gentle breeze wafted through the open panes. I had never experienced something like this before. I had never experienced God like this before.

Someone suggested that perhaps it was an answer to prayer. An answer to the despairing cry of my heart. I asked, "How long would it last? How long before all would go dark again?"

I understand that we do not live on the mountaintops; that most of life is lived in the valley. But this. This wasn't the euphoria of the mountaintop experience. Or was it?

I basked in the warmth and embraced the gentle breeze. The accompanying joy ran deep. Like a well. Deep. Refreshing. Cooling. Embracing.

And then I felt the other too. It too ran deep. Deeper than ever before. It didn't overwhelm; it didn't threaten to loom large. It was just there. Deep. Raw. I wept. Grief doesn't go away even when the sun warms and the breeze refreshes. In fact, maybe because of the two vast extremes that I was experiencing, the intensity of each was accentuated. Joy. Grief. Maybe because I had recognized and was drawing from the deep wellspring of joy that I was able to face the unplumbed depths of my grief. I no longer worried about when or how long. I wanted to embrace the moment.

The days turned into weeks. Two weeks of sunshine. Two weeks of feeling that gentle breeze.

And then. Morning dawned. It didn't take long for me to notice the difference. It was so obvious. It was, once again, dark. Not a heavy darkness, for while the window was still open, there were no more rays of sunlight. The air was still. How long will it be like this? I don't know.

I am thankful for having had a reprieve from this present darkness. I am grateful for having experienced the refreshing breeze. And now... I guess I will once again wait in the silence. In the stillness. Maybe one day the light will again shine through, dispelling the darkness. Maybe one day I will again feel God's gentle breath blowing through the windows of my soul. Only time will tell.

and my prayer? that until that day, I will remain faithful.

pondering thankfulness and acceptance

I read a couple of statements on Facebook recently:

The greatest thing is to give thanks for everything. He who has learned this knows what it means to live...

Thanksgiving is the evidence of our acceptance of whatever He gives...

I guess I'm just not there yet... 

and truth be told, I don't know if I can get there from here.  At least not any time soon.  My heart is feeling pretty ransacked and broken and acceptance of what is or has been given seems an impossible aim since the God who was always the 'fixer' became a 'wrecker' and I don't quite know how to reconcile the two?

one more step

towards closure...  It's not all over yet; I have a few more steps to take.

This past leg of the journey has been an endeavor to find a way to turn the functional into a something of beauty.  This was my aim this  past week.  I have been trying to put together the final pieces and stumbled upon something that caused me great anguish and grief. I have been feeling significantly chastised for not caring enough to spend more money. But, I don't think it would have been what he wanted. Thus, my endeavor to make something quite beautiful out of a very functional piece.

I have poured hours into trying to find a solution. My initial thoughts were to use my Cricut, creating a design that incorporated a Celtic cross with the wings of an eagle. But then I got stuck. What then? What would look best in transferring the design? a reverse image leaving the cross/eagle black and the rest of the container in color?  if so, what colour? Or would it look better to paint the image and leave the container black?

Not knowing how to proceed, I continued my search for the 'perfect solution'. I recalled some ideas from Pinterest, spray painting soap containers. I gave it a try. I took an old soap container and played with an idea. I liked the outcome - a rather marble-ish look.

I took a deep breath. It was time to take my idea and see what I could do. I had only one chance. I prayed that I wouldn't botch it. The result?  It is mostly pleasing and I have something that I mostly like, but above all, I think he would have been pleased with the result. So it is with deep gratitude and a special thank you to my daughter for her artistic finishing touch that I will take this urn to its final resting place later this summer.

I'm not sure when that will take place. I have begun the process for designing the memorial plaque. It will most likely be towards the end of summer before all these final bits are in place and then ...  I will take one more step.

Trusting the dark

The Dark. It has been a dark season - a dark season of the soul that St John of the Cross has called "the dark night of the soul". It's Cold. It's Very Cold. It's Silent. It's Very Silent. And it's Dark. Oh, so Very Dark. I am alone in the darkness. While my head may say that God is present, there is no evidence of that presence. His apparent absence makes the darkness seem even darker. The cold seems even colder. And it is disturbingly silent.

This photo doesn't really do justice to the dark - because in it you still get a glimpse of light. There is none of that in this season that I am in. Oh, occasionally I will experience a little glimmer - for a very very brief moment. A shaft of light penetrates the darkness, but it's gone in a flash. For the very briefest of moments it's there, but then just as quickly it's gone again. The darkness returns and I am enveloped once again in the dark - the cold - the silence - the absence of Presence.

Some have told me, "If it's dark and you feel God isn't present, then you have been the one to walk away from God. He is still where He always was." Reminds me a little of Job and his friends.

I read something a while back, and while I can't remember exactly where or what I read, essentially it said that it is precisely because presence was once experienced that absence is felt so deeply.

Trust. Running in parallel mode, there continues to be this idea of trusting God.  How can God, who has always been the 'fixer', and now has become also the 'wrecker', be trusted? While I am learning that there is much much more to this God than 'fixer' or 'wrecker' it's a long process of reconciling it all. I have come to understand, however, that more than taking steps to trust God, it's maybe enough to stop actively 'not trusting' Him. That seems to be a good place to start.

This matter of trust will not ensure that the darkness lifts; it's just a next step of my journey. God does give. God does take away. Job was able to say, "blessed be the name of the Lord" in spite of prosperity or great loss (Job 1:21). Should the darkness lift, may God be praised. Should the darkness continue, may I also find it within me to praise God.

The Way . . .

is made by taking one step at a time. I went to see "The Way" last night. It's not a great movie in terms of plot or anything like that but I enjoyed it. I realized today as I was reflecting back on the evening that perhaps the reason I enjoyed it so much was that I imagined what it might be like to walk The Way... the Camino de Santiago... the Way of St. James...

700 kilometers of walking.... 30 days (more or less... most likely more)... average age of the pilgrim who makes the journey is a 51 yr old woman (or so I read somewhere on the internet today)...

Then I got thinking. I'm on a journey. I don't necessarily need to head over to France/Spain to walk the way. I'm on a journey right here and right now. Only difference at this moment is when walking The Way, there are other pilgrims who are walking also, not necessarily in company but there are others that you can see and perhaps even talk to about the journey.

Therein lies the rub for me today. I miss my companion. I miss having that one with whom I could share my thoughts and what the things that I'm reflecting on as I read and study.

Yet therein lies the rub (again) for if Florian were here I wouldn't be on the same journey and so wouldn't be needing/wanting to share these thoughts with him that have flooded my mind lately.

Maybe I'll add the Camino de Santiago to my bucket list...

Maybe I'll one day walk The Way...

a vocation or a job?

a call or an invitation?

These questions are perculating these days as I ponder some of what I've been reading lately.

There seems to be such a dis-connect between all this as I think and ponder and wonder about what I'm doing and why....

an invitation seems so much more..... inviting than a "call"

a "vocation" seems so much more..... appealing than a "job".

Could it be that the ministry of spiritual direction could be just that? an invitation and a vocation? what would this as a vocation look like? Is there a place for me in this? if so, where?

I am thankful to have these few weeks over the Christmas break to take time to reflect, journal, read books that aren't part of the required reading list... to allow some of what I have read to simmer and percolate... I don't know that I'll get any answers anytime soon, but I do hope that these weeks will allow for some quiet reflection and contemplation and most of all, allow me to get some rest and get re-balanced.

gratitude?

I made this card this afternoon. I needed to make a fall-themed card and while this may not appear to meet the requirements, it'll have to do. It's reflective of what I'm thinking today. I remember walking along the beach when we spent a few days on the Oregon coast. While that is a few years ago already, it was a time that was perfect for quiet reflection. Miles and miles of sand. The water, relentless. I remember walking along the sand and allowing my mind to wander in its reflections.

With that in mind, I allowed my thoughts to reflect a little today. The service today was amazing. A full service of hymns - that brought me to tears. How is it that I can sing of what God has done for me but then am reduced to tears when we sing,

When Christ shall come

With Shouts of acclamation

And take me home,

What joy shall fill my heart!

Then I shall bow

In humble adoration

And there proclaim,

"My God, how great Thou art!"

But then I find myself embraced as a friend who sees my struggle and comes to stand with me.

I am grateful. I am deeply grateful. Regardless of how I feel most days, there are still some truths that remain and are foundational to who I am: God is. God loves. God forgives.

I am grateful. I am deeply grateful. I have friends who believe in me and they are not afraid to speak words of encouragement when I am struggling to carry on with the things to which I believe I have been called.

I am grateful. I am deeply grateful. I have family who love and walk alongside, caring in their own ways.

Today I am reminded of all this. . . and I am grateful. I am deeply grateful

a better perspective gained

after church today.

Abraham was tested. Genesis 22. He's tested first in the area of his faith. Then, his affections. and then his love. Yet he came out tested and true.

Faith: do I allow God to be the One in whom I still place all my trust and confidence?

Affections: Is God worthy of my worship even if I have to give up the most treasured and prized possessions - that which is dearest to me?

Love: God asks, "How important am I to you?" Is there anything that has come between me and God? is there anything that is taking God's #1 place in my life?

I think I have some work to do.

It's too easy to sit back and feel sorry for myself. I don't want to live like that.

I want to live in confidence and trust.

I want to worship Him freely and without reservation.

I want love Him with such abandon that He becomes the object of my affection.

am I walking alone...

on this journey? There are certainly many days when it sure feels like it.

I recently returned from visiting my brother in Anchorage. It was great. I loved it. The scenery is beyond description.

I could have sat in their living room gazing out the window for hours and hours and hours.

Yet in the midst of all that stunning beauty, there lay an emptiness.

I knew Florian would have absolutely loved to have been there too. So many times I wanted to show him the beauty I was experiencing. But he wasn't there. I felt alone.

How could I feel alone? I was with my brother. We spent hours and hours and hours talking about things that matter. What it means to be content. How to face an uncertain future without anxiety. He showed and taught me how to carve wood - I carved my first wood spirit under his instruction. It was good. I felt so very accepted. I wasn't alone. We were two siblings spending precious days together.

I came home. The house is quiet. I've spent hours and hours and hours in quiet contemplation. I feel alone. Wait. Never mind feeling alone, I am alone. Nonetheless, I don't want to have a house full of people just to fill the empty rooms - just so that I'm not alone.

I think back to some of the conversations from these past two weeks.

How to be content?

I think it begins with trust. I need to remind my head & my heart that God is still trustworthy. He is still faithful. He is still in control. He knows what lies ahead. He waits for me to come to Him.

Do I believe Him? Will I trust Him?

I may feel alone, but He walks with me.

That means, I am never alone.

Knowing that, can I be content?

I'd rather. . .

have to change the oil in my car or clean the furnace filter.

Seriously.

Although.

I will have to admit that based on my recent experience with changing the air filter there may be those who would beg to differ on that as well!!

But that's a whole 'nuther story!

Tonight, I was going to toast some raisin bread for dinner... got distracted looking at the writing assignment due next month and start smelling smoke... something obviously went haywire...

Came to the kitchen to find smoke billowing out from the toaster oven!! Yikes.

I ran it outside and then grabbed a towel to fan the smoke detector so it wouldn't go off. Fortunately, I managed to keep the smoke away long enough to grab the little fan I had sitting in the hallway. Turned it on - much easier to blow the smoke back towards the kitchen that way. Once the air was cleared somewhat, I moved the fan into the kitchen area. oy.

But.

Disaster averted.

Alarm didn't go off.

Friendly firemen didn't have to pay a visit.

This all seems so silly. I never dreamed that these are the kinds of things that I would have to deal with... Maybe I need to seriously consider cold cereal for dinner or protein shakes and smoothies... at least there would be no risk of fire with those!!!

so, just where do I start? Will someone please hand me that wrench?

it's been 8 months. . .

since Florian left us. In so many ways it feels like just the other day... and yet it also feels a lifetime ago. If I think about what's ahead 8 months from now, that puts us into March. That's a long time down the road...

So much has happened and I've had to deal with so very much. It's not always been easy. In fact, the last few months have been unbelievably hard.

I've just come through another one of life's major milestones - the marriage of my 2nd oldest. It was a beautiful celebration and I am so deeply grateful. I believe that God was honoured and that brings incredible peace & joy.

I'm grateful to have friends & family who helped keep things in perspective - who helped me figure things out. Things like what is worth fighting for... you know how it's about picking your battles? Well, there certainly were many opportunities these last months for that!! All the while, they were there lending their support... letting me know that they cared... letting me know that I wasn't alone - they were there, standing in the trenches alongside. I am so blessed and grateful for these dear ones.

I'm grateful for the moments during the celebration when we were able to honour Florian. The lighting of the candle at the start of the ceremony - Chris stopped at the table and lit it before taking his place on the platform. In his opening remarks, the pastor explained that it was lit to pay tribute to the groom's dad. And then the tribute paid in memory of Florian - a toast given by the bride's father - what a great gesture on their part. I didn't expect it but I sure appreciated it. Both were especially meaningful for me.

As I think about the whole day, I know that God graced us with His presence - and what greater gift could I ask for? I had prayed that the entire celebration would be honouring to Him and tried to ensure that I came to it also with an attitude that would be pleasing & honouring to Him. I encouraged the couple to do likewise. And in the end, it was a great day. Not only did I survive, but I think I can honestly say that I 'did good'. It certainly wasn't about me and what I was able to do. It was only because of His strength and the prayers of many who were praying for me that I was able to hold out with joy and graciousness. I am humbly grateful. To God be all the glory.

speechlessly blessed...

My dear brother, who has invited me to visit this summer, just crafted a tool for me. This in anticipation of our time together.... I am rendered speechless.

it's overwhelming. . .

and like one of my children wrote, there are days when I want to wake up and realize this has all been a dream.

Yet in the midst of everything, there are rays of hope that make their way through - shafts of light that speak of hope, shedding light on my path, enabling me to take the next step. I am ever so grateful for God's guiding hand as I've navigated my way through territory completely foreign to me.

shafts of light that come as:

- thoughts to wait with some tasks so that other things still work

- thoughts that come in the middle of the night bringing to mind obscure things that need to be looked after

- friends who remember

- friends who remind me of some of Florian's quirkiness

- worship songs that speak of God's mercies that are new every morning and of His faithfulness

- lyrics that stay with me through the week

- choir concerts that uplift and are a "feast for the soul"

Sometimes it's dark in here with no shafts of light to be seen.

Sometimes it just takes my eyes a little time to adjust.

feeling stuck...

I don't know that this will be a well-connected, thought-out entry but there are some thoughts and new insights that I don't want to forget. This seems as good a place as any to record some of them.

First of all, I will admit that the last while I have felt "stuck". Stuck in a grieving process with no idea how to proceed or how to get "un-stuck". I was quite miserable. I have been missing Florian tremendously - more now than 3 months ago. It would be easy to chalk it up to simple things like moving beyond the intense focus on getting all the financial stuff figured out or issues arising from wedding planning and no one to talk to about them or our son's graduation - an event that we celebrated without Florian. Whatever the reason, the last weeks have been hard. So much so that I have felt tears lurking just beneath the surface ready to gush at the least provocation and I was getting tired of just being so very tired.

In a moment of complete exhaustion and depleted inner resources, I made an appointment to visit my most trusted friend and counselor. I had a few things that I was "processing" that I wished to discuss. Little did I realize that our hour together would provide such incredible insights.

I learned that there is a process that I can evoke whenever I'm feeling down and sad. It's a process that encourages a little digging - asking a few deeper questions - to discover the "root" of what I'm feeling. It goes a little like this: I'm missing Florian. What is it about not having him near that you are missing? I miss talking to him. What is it about conversing with him that you are missing? He was my biggest cheerleader & support. What is it about his support that you miss? and then I can begin to pinpoint something a little more definitive about the loss...

I tried it out the other day - and I was surprised at the difference it made. I was given the tools I needed to dig a little deeper - to explore what I was feeling - to come to terms with some truths - and then it didn't feel quite so heavy a burden anymore. Oh, don't get me wrong. I didn't quit missing Florian, but there was a difference in what I was feeling or how I was feeling the loss.

I mentioned this to a sibling of mine with whom I've been having quite the conversations and the response was this: "Explore the emotion to it's deepest level - 'let it wash over you' - and find what the root is. Identify it, absorb it, and let it go." I think that's it!

A second bit that's been percolating the last few days is something that happened the next morning. I had gotten up early to do some homework.

As I was sitting at my kitchen table, making notes about some of what I was reading, there seemed to be a sense that washed over me. Like I was suddenly free. Free to move ahead. Free to pursue my dreams. Free to be OK. It was with me for only a fleeting moment and then it was gone, just as suddenly as it had appeared.

I don't know what that was all about. I think though that it may have something to do with a verse that my friend mentioned on Wednesday. Jesus said, "you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free" (John 8:32) Somehow, in facing the truth in my grief, there is a gift of freedom. I think that maybe, just maybe, it was that gift of freedom that I experienced sitting at the kitchen table yesterday morning. Having faced some of the truth of my grief the night before, God gave me an incredible gift of freedom that He allowed to wash over me, even if only for the briefest of moments.

If that's what it is, what can I do but thank Him for His deep love & care for me.

crushed...

but not destroyed; perplexed... but not shaken

Tonight I shared my faith journey with my "cohort group". I wear the mantle passed to me by my husband - step by step I will carry on; I will carry the torch that will one day be passed to my by my father - to stay the course.

Many generations have gone before me; many have run their race and, keeping their eyes focused on the One who is the perfecter of faith , they finished their run. We don't know how long he will be with us, but my dad will one day be among those who have stayed the course to the very end. He will then join my dear husband in worship as they bow their knee and proclaim that Jesus is Lord & King.

a torch....

a mantle....

I am surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses ... my grandparents, great-grandparents, great-great grandparents... uncles... and aunts.... and more recently my husband....

Such vivid imagery as I press on towards the goal that is set before me. . . as I "stay the course", one step at a time. Yes, I am perplexed. Yes, I am crushed.

But God. . .

God is faithful. I will not be destroyed for He is faithful.

God is holding me. I am in His grip.

My soul will one day sing again - will sing the song that He will give and I will praise Him for His unending love.

How Great Thou Art.