i've been thinking...

that I love & appreciate so much all the encouragement & support that I/we have received through all my dear friends as we've walked this path these last months.

But... I'm left with a nagging thought. Have I been "real"? I found myself posting only once I had worked things through in my mind and that may have left a slightly skewed perception that I have it "all together".

What is 'real'?

Reality is that I certainly don't have it 'all together'!!!

Reality is that I absolutely cannot do this on my own...
I struggle...
I question...
I doubt...
It's only as I turn my thoughts to the One who walks alongside me that I realize that He alone can calm my fears and give me strength to carry on.... (if I let Him!!!)

Reality is that, only as I acknowledge Him, I am not afraid... (well, not all the time anyway!!)

a different view...

this morning as the sun is shining!

Yesterday we met with the specialist. I realized as we were heading into the appointment that we were both expecting to hear good news. But what if... ? Florian's response was just so right. What if? We have no control over what lies ahead - we walk the path that we have been given. So very pragmatic!

The doctor had just good news for us. Although one small area remains, the CT scan results were excellent. He was very pleased with how well Florian had responded to the chemo. We will have a follow-up appointment in about 2 months.

We have so much for which to be thankful. Thank you to all you our friends and family who have stood by us these months, supporting us and upholding us in prayer. We know without a doubt that you have made our journey easier by sharing it with us in these ways.

What a journey! Yet we know that, even though it may have seemed that way at times, the sun has never stopped shining.

What lies ahead? We don't know, but we do know that He knows and for now that's good enough for us.

where's the next...

speed bump?

It had already been a crazy week. On two separate mornings I drove one of the boys to college because either there were crazy transit delays or a wallet was lost en route. It was Friday morning and I had just returned home from one of these drives.

As I entered the house I remember thinking, how wonky does a week have to get before you can consider it a write off? And then the phone rang.

It was Florian's uncle on the other end of the line, bringing us the news that Florian's dad had passed away early that morning. It came as a surprise and we spent the day trying to wrap our minds around this turn of events.

Early Sunday morning Florian & I left to make the drive to Dauphin, Manitoba. We spent this past week making funeral arrangements, cleaning out the place that was "home" to his Dad, encountering legal red tape and consequent roadblocks, and finally, with much yet unsettled, making the drive home.

It was a week where we turned our thoughts to what had to be done. Now that we are back we need time to "de-compress" - to process that which we have seen and heard - to turn our faces to the Son and enjoy the blessings that He so richly pours out on us.

What are those blessings? a few of them are:
- years ago Florian had made the effort to become reconciled to his dad
- we saw Florian's dad in November
- our kids, left on their own this week, managed unbelievably well
- friends called them several times throughout the week to see how they were doing
- my sister came each day to help with dinner & driving
- my brother came to the funeral (a 4+ hour drive for him) - what a gift!!

But the greatest blessing is that, having experienced God's grace & mercy in our lives, love & reconciliation with others is possible. I am humbled and grateful.

it's been too long....

since my last entry. Thanks Suzanne for giving me just the nudge I needed LOL

Christmas. Why was I so "worried"? Florian had more energy those days than ever! To give you a glimpse of that energizer-bunny:

Dec 24.

Florian worked until just after lunch.
4:00pm napped
7:00 attended Christmas service at our church.
9:00 we're home and friends arrived for our annual Open House.
12:30am Florian went to bed

Dec 25.
3:00am Florian got up to mix cinnamon buns
5:00 the dough had risen, it was time to put the buns on pans
6:00 the oven was hot; time to bake the buns
6:30 buns baked; Florian started on bacon
8:00 everyone in the house was up, including Florian
He stayed up ALL day - no nap for him.
2:30pm Florian drove across the city to get his Mom who joined us for Christmas dinner
5:00 Florian drove his mom home
I don't remember what time he actually went to bed that evening but it wasn't before 9:00.

Dec 26:
9:00am we left for my parents' for the day. He drove. Once there, we visited all day. Again, no naps.
5:30pm Finally at dinner he looked at me and said, "I don't think I'll be able to drive home." well... that's not exactly surprising, honey.
But did he sleep on the drive home? No. While we were enjoying conversation & dinner, a snowstorm had come up which meant I had to drive through blowing snow, poor visibility and icy road conditions. He stayed awake to help me navigate, particularly those times where I could not see the edge of the highway, nor where the lanes were.

Wow. What an incredibly different week than what I was expecting. I am thankful that God blessed him (& us) with such amazing strength & endurance those days!!

now entering...

the beginning of the last... Today marks the 1st day of fatigue & pain for Florian. However. This is the last time we have to go through this - at least for now :)

Florian finished his Prednizone yesterday; today was day 1 of Neupogen. Tonight he is already feeling the side effects with bone pain (hip and thigh). He came home from work very tired; took 1/2 hour to lie down while I worked on dinner.

I am afraid of the next two weeks - with each consecutive treatment the fatigue & bone pain & muscle cramps have not only been making their presence known earlier in the cycle but also have been somewhat more severe. Inwardly I am cringing at what I know lies ahead... I have to be strong for him... but from where will I find that strength? I'm tired - but not nearly as tired as he is. Emotionally I feel like I am falling apart - who will hold me together?

I know the answer - As I lift up my eyes to the hills — where does my help come from My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let my foot slip — he who watches over me will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD watches over me — the LORD is my shade at my right hand; the sun will not harm me by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep me from all harm — he will watch over my life; the LORD will watch over my coming and going both now and forevermore.*

I am thankful for the peace that comes as I, once again, take my cares & concerns and lay them down at the feet of the One who cares for me (1 Pet 5:7).

Practically, I am also thankful that aside from 2 Christmas gifts left to purchase we are basically ready for Christmas.

* Ps 121:1-8, New International Version (Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society)

it's been a long day...

but we are thankful that they we come this far. Today was the 6th (and final) treatment. As Florian mentioned on his blog, it's so easy to become complacent.

We have much for which to be thankful:
(1) 6 treatments without any reactions
(2) side effects continue to be minimal
(3) a whole host of continued prayers being offered on our behalf
(4) as a result of #3, we have experienced so clearly the peace that passes all understanding - the peace that only comes from God

However. All this will be for naught if we have not learned from this journey. As I reflect on the past 3 months I have to ask myself, "Have my roots grown deeper? Am I different today? Has this "bend in the road" changed me?

I pray that I can honestly answer "yes" to each of these questions.

A stark realization. . .

hit me yesterday.... as much as I had, this past summer, resolved in my heart to choose joy, my focus the last little while has been on the "storm", feeling threatened by the speed bumps and the bend in the road. Rather than lifting my eyes to the Master of the storm, I have allowed the storm to be the center of my focus. If I look into the depths of the sea, there I find calm water. There is where my anchor rests.... there my soul will find peace & joy.

As I/we enter this season of Advent, my prayer is that I/we will look beyond the tinsel & glitter, to move beyond the frenzy, and dig deeper to realize the peace & joy that is mine/ours because of Christ.