what struck me today....

is that God desires our obedience... in every single thing.

My Bible study took me this morning to the Old Testament, to the book of Judges. The study question was basically this: Judah started out so well (in terms of conquering the land). What happened? If you read chapter 1, you'll see that they're doing great until they encounter a people with iron chariots. They allow fear to dominate and make a compromise. This, in spite of God's specific instructions to them: When you go to war against your enemies and see horses and chariots and an army greater than yours, do not be afraid of them, because the LORD your God, who brought you up out of Egypt, will be with you. (Deut 20:1).*

At the beginning of chapter 2, the angel of the Lord confronts them with their disobedience and issues the consequences.

I was convicted. I have, these last two weeks, allowed some disconcerting thoughts to pervade my mind. Like a dark cloud, they had settled over me and I had no desire to chase them away. But this morning, I realized that I was as guilty as the Israelites in not trusting... in not believing... in not completely obeying God. This is not the life of victory that God would have us... would have me live. What is my response?

The clouds have lifted - not by own power or doing (for I know that I am not capable of moving them on my own), but thanks be to God - He is able!



* Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society.

you know the saying....

when life hands you lemons.... make lemonade! Well, I'm looking for the recipe!!

Florian met with a cardiovascular surgeon last week for a "surgical assessment". He is scheduled for an echocardiogram next month and a follow-up CT scan in October.

The first words out of the surgeon's mouth were, "it's not a matter of IF, but of WHEN". In the meantime, not only do we wait but Florian must be careful not to exert himself:

• no shoveling snow (well, I'm hoping that's not an indication that we're in for a dump this summer LOL);
  
• no contact sports (there goes his career!!! LOL!!!)
• no lifting of more than 25-50 pounds (well, there's quite a difference between 25 pounds and 50 pounds... so which does he mean?!?! LOL!!!!)

In all seriousness, I think the restrictions placed on Florian make this seem so much more "real" and scary.

As an example, this weekend we did some yard work. Each time we turned to do something we found ourselves asking, "Is this too much exertion? should I do this rather than Florian? How much is too much?" And I don't want to live like that... always questioning... always wondering...

And Florian needs to understand that just because he can't do "A", he can do "B" and that it's just as important to get B done as A. Does that make sense? Maybe I'll do more of the physical work outside, but he can then take over inside. Oh, we do have to figure some of this out. Most of all, I don't want him to feel useless.

I think I've found the recipe!!! We're juicing these lemons... and humor is what's going to make lemonade palatable!! LOL!!!!

and once again. . .

what a ride!!!! I love roller coaster rides, but oh my goodness... this one is the wildest one that I've ever experienced!!!

Florian's appointment today brought some good news. Although it still is unclear whether the aneurysm was there prior to January, it may not be as large as we were initially given to believe. If this is the case, there is a very good possibility that the surgeon will not recommend surgery, but will choose rather to watch it to see if it is growing and at what rate.

For me, I am glad that I settled the whole "surrender" thing prior to this. Why? Because I know that had I received the news without settling things, I would have just ignored my heart issue (pun not intended LOL) and that would have only served my selfish purposes.

and once again... I have to believe that God knows what He's doing... and I'm sure thankful that He's got His hands on the controls!!

I'm thankful for...

routines that help keep each day focused, and I'm thankful that, as part of that routine for me each day, I try to spend time in quiet meditation & prayer.

While I still don't know what the future holds for me/us, I was reminded today that:

• my help comes from the Lord
• the Lord watches over you
• He will watch over your life
• the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forever (Ps. 121)
  

For what more can I ask?

Thanks again for the encouraging comments that you have left for me. What a great read! They have been timely reminders for me of "the Lord's great love... for His mercies never fail. They are new every morning; great is His faithfulness"! (Lamentations 3:22-23).

one step forward...

and two backwards...

I will be honest. As much as I thought I had made my choice, I am having doubts about that.

How is it that it can seem as though I have made my choice one day and the very next day seem to be overwhelmed again by fear? It's like a sea of waves... one after the other... threatening once again to pull me under.

Hypocrite! A strong accusation. But I wonder. What about all the "faith" that I seemed to exhibit these last months? Where is it now? Am I nothing more than a hypocrite?

A friend yesterday explained that perhaps it's not that at all. My faith was what it was for what I was experiencing at the time. However, today I am facing new experiences - experiences that require a deeper faith. That doesn't negate my faith from yesterday. It just means that, for this "bend in the road", my faith will need to grow - to put its roots down just a little deeper.

Seeking the prayers of others, I am asked, "What is the Lord trying to say to you?" After a moment I realize that He is asking me to surrender. To surrender my hold on Florian. To surrender Florian into His care. That's a tough one - previous memories of nearly losing him to surgery rise to the surface and I find my grip tightening rather than loosening. I pray. We pray. Even as the tears course down my face, we pray that they can be the beginning of a new surrender.

That continues to be my prayer today... and maybe today I can take another step forward.

I have a choice....

to make.

We received notice this past week that Florian is scheduled for a "surgical assessment" with a cardiovascular surgeon. We knew in January that this was a possibility because his last CT scan showed an aortic aneurysm of about 5.5cm in size. What does this mean? maybe surgery.... but then again, maybe not.

Initially, fear took reign and began to overwhelm me. But isn't God good? God brought people into my life & blog posts & I came to a realization that I am once again faced with a choice. Life really is all about choices, isn't it? I could continue to give in to fear OR I could choose to trust. It is my choice.

I have given my inner self a stern lecture... have prayed lots... and the bottom line is this:

• God knows all about this too.


• He is still in control of our journey & destiny.


• He asks us to trust.

Actually, I have made my choice. I will choose to obey.

are we ready...

for another "speed bump"? another "bend in the road"?

Is it possible to ever be ready?

Oh that I might once again trust... to not falter... to once again lay my burdens at the foot of the cross...

for only then will I be ready for whatever lies ahead.