on silence & solitude

I've been reading Henri Nouwen's book, "The Way of the Heart". The first section focuses on solitude and then he looks at silence. After that he talks about prayer.

I thought it strange at first - and then it hit me.

We need to be comfortable in solitude because it is in solitude that we face ourselves. No longer distracted by "doing", it becomes the place of purification and transformation; a place of great struggle and great encounter. This purifying and transforming process has as its result, great compassion. "In solitude, we realize that nothing human is alien to us, that the roots of all conflict, war, injustice, cruelty, hatred, jealousy, envy are deeply anchored in our own heart. As a result, solitude molds self-righteous people into gentle, caring forgiving persons who are so deeply convinced of their own great sinfulness and so fully aware of God's even greater mercy tat their life itself becomes ministry. In such a ministry there is hardly any difference left between doing & being."

On silence, he writes, "Silence guards the fire within; Silence teaches us to speak." It reminded me of the many times that I have "shared with others" those things that were on my mind only to come away feeling that I wasn't heard or that I lost something that was precious to me. We live in a world where we are afraid of, and uncomfortable with, silence. He suggests that "simply not speaking is a very important practice... it is a good discipline to wonder in each new situation if people wouldn't be better served by our silence than by our words".

Now that we've understood solitude and the importance of silence we turn our thoughts to prayer. Solitude is being alone with God. It is in our silence that we begin to listen to God. It is this context of solitude & silence within which prayer is practiced. More on that tomorrow. . .

time passes. . .

and yet time seems to stand still.

In some ways the days and months have flown by incredibly quickly and I can hardly believe that it's been 3 months already since Florian passed away. Yet in other ways, it seems like it's been so very long already.

In some ways I still almost can't believe that he's really gone. Yet in other ways... well, I just miss him so much.

I've accomplished quite a few things on my own - working through internet issues - buying a new garage door opener - purchasing stuff from the 'geek' store - navigating my way through unfamiliar areas of the city (thanks to the GPS unit he bought me last fall :) )

Today I realized as I was driving home from the office that the busy-ness of dealing with all the immediate "stuff" is starting to come to an end... I'm a little afraid of this next stage as it means I'll have more time to think - more time to miss him...

I did some grocery shopping today - I still don't enjoy it, but it doesn't seem to be as bad as it was initially. You see, Florian did most of the grocery shopping for us - I would go with him on occasion, but he had a knack of remembering prices & where everything was. I'd sometimes call him at work asking where I would find some item that was eluding me and he could steer me not only to the right aisle, but also to the right location on the right shelf, describing the items that I would find around it...

He sure was quite the guy... I only wish God hadn't called him Home quite so soon...

4 words. . .

have been tumbling about in my head the last little while. They are the words that we heard through the Advent season this year:

hope: we are not in a hopeless situation; yes, we grieve, but not as those who have no hope

love: we have been showered with so many expressions of love which speak to us in tangible ways of God's deep love for us

peace: underlying all the daily turmoil, there lies a deep peace - a peace that passes all understanding

joy: Chris Tomlin released a version of "Joy to the World" that we have been singing this season. I found the lyrics of the added refrain resonated deeply within:

Joy, unspeakable joy
An overflowing well, no tongue can tell
Joy, unspeakable joy
Rises in my soul, never lets me go

4 simple words ...

4 deep truths ...

a rude awakening...

occurred last week. I walked past our Christmas Countdown Snowman and saw to my utter astonishment that Christmas was only 9 days away. What? How could this be possible? In my head I had at least 2 weeks...

The reality is that I have been so busy with all the "stuff" I had completely lost track of how much time had actually passed.

We have been in a season of Advent - a season of preparation - yet it had nearly passed me by. The realization hit me hard. At that moment, I made a decision. I would spend one more day (I had an appointment at a financial institution) dealing with the "stuff" and that would be it for the rest of this season.

I need to take time for heart preparation...

• to listen


• to sit in quietness


• to listen


• to hear God speak


• to listen


• to ponder


• to listen


• to understand a little more fully the GIFT that came


• to listen


• to pay attention to the little details of the Christmas story


• to listen


• to prepare my heart that He might find room there this Christmas

His voice is quiet and it is only in the stillness that He will be heard.... May He find you listening also...

the reality...

is beginning to set in a little...

Things like:
1. decorating the house for Christmas and knowing that Florian won't be home to comment
2. sitting in church and participating Communion... alone
3. realizing that I can't call him to "vent"
4. shopping for Christmas, watching the couples and it hits that I'm... alone
5. no longer being able to check the little box that sits beside the word "married"

6. making decisions... alone

and then there are the girls - they call home and for just a fleeting moment they wonder if Dad will answer the phone... and then they realize....

or we attend Chris' concert and feel keenly that someone is missing...

It's not a lot of fun, these days, to face everything.... alone. It's hard, actually. I miss Florian. I miss his wisdom. I miss his ability to help me work through 'stuff'. I miss the little things... like his help in the kitchen in preparing meals & cleaning up afterward. I miss the big things... like being part of our family at mealtime or attending our son's 4th year Graduation Concert together....

My head says... How could I wish him back? He is in such an amazing place...
My heart says... but I miss him so much....
My head says... it's for our own reasons that we would wish him here
My heart says... but I miss him so much....

and that battle continues to rage.... again.

Once again I find myself in this place where I pray that God... in His graciousness.... would one day put all the pieces back together again....

a roller-coaster day. . .

It started out OK but as the morning wore on I was missing Florian so very much. Simple things like looking for a picture to use on this next month's issue of Conversations (our church newsletter)... my daughter missing her bus and stressing about getting to college in time to write her mid-term... things that I would have used as opportunities to call Florian at work and vent a little or ask his opinion later in the day when he would have been home....

But in the midst of all this, I tried to focus on some God-incidents... ways in which I was seeing God at work on my behalf... simple things like clear lanes when I had to merge into traffic... or traffic lights that would stay green, allowing me ample time to make it through intersections instead of having to stop on icy roads...

My oldest has been really having a hard time this past week - first their washing machine quit working... then one of their cars began to really leak oil - so much so that it really wasn't safe to drive anymore.... They prayed last night and he basically was at his wits' end and prayed that God would just take care of them - make a way for them financially.

Then this morning, my DIL was set to take transit to work and the bus went out of service before finishing the loop... But in all this, I saw God watch over them in such an amazing way. She was left at a location that was only about a 15 minute walk home.... her "boss" gave her the day off...

But the biggest blessing to them was that my son found out today that his boss was going to pay him for all the days these last 2 weeks that he hadn't worked - said it was the least they could do for him. wow. What a gift! What a blessing! Who would have thought?

but most of all... isn't it amazing to see how God is taking care of them?! wow. oh. wow. Thank you Jesus!!

If God will take care of them in such tangible ways, will He not also take care of me? I can't help but believe that He will.

So, I pray... Father, I am weak... I am full of doubt and anxious thoughts threaten to fill my mind... yet in the midst of this, I do want to believe; "help me overcome my unbelief!"* Amen.



* Mark 9:24

it's been a week. . .

since Florian went in for surgery.... a week since we were told things were tenuous... a week since we were holding out hour-by-hour... a week since we pleaded with God to miraculously heal... a week since I, once again, committed Florian into God's care...

Last Sunday we met briefly for prayer and following that Florian said, "God gave me a new spiritual heart many years ago; now I am being given the opportunity for a new physical heart". Little did we know just what kind of "heart" God had in mind for him.

Florian didn't ever recover from surgery; he had a heart attack coming out of the procedure and his heart simply could not overcome the stress of the events. He left us Wednesday morning (the 10th) after the medical team worked through the night, throwing everything at him that they had in their arsenal.

We celebrated his life on Saturday (13th) - my prayer remains that the service was not only a celebration of Florian's life but also a clear testimony to what God had done in Florian these last 29 years as he endeavored to live his life in total submission & surrender to the will of God.

And now... Psalm 20 has a different feel to it, but it is what will carry me... carry us... through these next difficult days:

In times of trouble, may the LORD answer your cry.

May the name of the God of Jacob keep you safe from all harm.

May he send you help from his sanctuary and strengthen you from Jerusalem.

May he remember all your gifts and look favorably on your burnt offerings.

May he grant your heart's desires and make all your plans succeed.

May we shout for joy when we hear of your victory and raise a victory banner in the name of our God.

May the LORD answer all your prayers.

Florian had a theme song that marked the way he chose to live each day: Rich Mullins, Step By Step. I feel the weight of the mantle as it behooves me now to take the torch that has been passed to me... to continue with the legacy that he left us... to follow Jesus, step by step.