what is "normal". . .

besides (as my husband used to love to say) a setting on the dryer? But since December, he's declared that the word "normal" no longer exists in our family lexicon.

Somehow our family will return to a degree of normalcy but I don't know what that will look like or when it will happen.

My husband's mother passed away two weeks ago - just about a week after my last blog entry. My husband and his brother were called to the hospital just after lunch as she was "unstable". By late afternoon she was gone.

The following week was a flurry of activity... and that flurry won't be over any time soon as we now turn our attention to emptying her apartment and getting it ready for new tenants for month-end.

I realized today that physically I've turned on "auto-pilot", but emotionally I feel numb. I don't have answers that the others want; I don't know when our family will feel any amount "normal" again; I don't know how to be "strong" anymore and I don't know if I want to be either; I don't know how to "fix" our family as it seems that everyone has pulled away into their own world of survival. . .

All of these could work together towards helping us feel somewhat "normal" again... but somehow it won't ever be the same as it once was... and maybe that's OK...

My brother was here early January and he talked about "life defining moments" and how they, as a family, experienced some of those. I understand that the events from these last months definitely have the makings of being one of those "defining moments" for us. The question is, then, What will this "defining moment" look like? How do I/we want to proceed from here? What kind of lasting impact will these events have on our family? When we look back, will we see it as something that pulled us apart? or did it make our family bond stronger?

It somewhat feels like a refining process. If that is what it is, then I want us to come through the fire having a little more of the impurities burned away - reflecting a little more clearly the image of the One who is doing this refining in us. It's not easy. It hurts. It seems to take a long time and we don't necessarily see any immediate results. Yet. In the end, when we look back, I hope we can say it was worth it.

some rambling thoughts

that need a place to land...

Today has been an emotionally hard day.

On the one hand, we're absolutely thrilled that our daughter is home. There is joy in that. I enjoyed sleeping in my own bed last night.

and yet I'm afraid. I want desperately for the antibiotics to do their work - I want desperately for there to now be major progress in healing. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid of another infection - afraid that there will be another "speed bump". I'm running on empty, physically & emotionally, and don't know that I will have strength to face something more.

Florian's Mom also remains in hospital. She's not improving... These last weeks have taken a real toll on Florian as not only was he coming to the hospital to see his daughter, but he was also trying to spend large amounts of time with his Mom who is hospitalized at another facility.

Tonight I feel as though I've hit the wall. I don't know how much more we can handle...

I know that God is in control. I know that He gives us only what we can bear. I know that He will carry us - that "underneath are the everlasting arms". I feel like I'm standing in the river, facing a raging tide that threatens to pull me under.

and yet.

A song that was just playing downstairs by Steven Curtis Chapman is timely.... "His strength is perfect when our strength is gone. He'll carry us when we can't carry on..."

what a precious promise... and as I have been reminded over & over, we are in His precious grip...

it's good to be home . . .

from having been at the hospital once again with my daughter. Fortunately, her stay wasn't as long this time - I/we spent just a week there.

Last week I noticed that the spot where they had put the drain from her spinal fusion was no longer dry. We spent Saturday in ER and by Monday she had undergone yet another surgery. This time the surgeon re-opened her spinal incision to clean out the infection that had lodged there.
The next day, they also ordered some extra x-rays of her thumb/wrist only to discover "hot spots" that indicated something wasn't right. She got a bright neon green cast to stabilize her thumb/wrist in an effort to promote healing.
,
She is now home not only with the green cast, but she is also sporting a PICC line and wearing/carrying a big black fanny pack that holds the pump and pouch of antibiotics.

I/We have seen enough of hospitals to do us for a l-o-n-g time. As amazing as medical advances and procedures are.... there are still no guarantees and we continue to pray that the Great Physician will touch her body and bring healing.

Yes, it's good to be home... but even more so, it's good to know that ultimately, our daughter is in His hands... the hardest part is to remember that when there seem to be so many speed bumps along the way...

In the meantime, I am so looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight!!

you know the saying . . .

the best laid plans of mice and men... That basically sums up the past few months in our home.

In a nutshell, between the months of October and December, every member of our family has been in a car accident of some degree. The last accident was just days before Christmas when our son tried to take evasive action and instead hit another vehicle. While we are so very thankful that everyone "walked away" from the accident, our daughter sustained severe injuries.

She was hospitalized with 2 fractured vertebrae requiring a spinal fusion of 3 vertebrae. The following morning saw her re-enter the Operating Room as they performed emergency surgery, trying to determine the cause of the fluid in the abdominal cavity. She remained in hospital for 16 days while they (1) waited for enough healing to take place so they could make her back brace and (2) dealt with an infection.

Our plans for Christmas? put on hold while we sat in her hospital room trying to encourage her and keep her company.

Now that she is home, we have had to adjust her pain medication. HomeCare visits take place regularly as they care for her incision.

We are tired. Slowly we will regain strength. Slowly our daughter will recover. Slowly we will return to our daily routines.

But for now. Our best laid plans have gone up in smoke. We realize once again how fragile life is and we remain grateful for the prayers of many across North America who have upheld us in prayer. God is faithful. God is in control.

Although we have no idea of the "why", we trust that God knows and for now.... that is enough.

What an incredible reminder to us that:

• our children are in God's Hands
• we really have no control over what happens each day
• we do have a God who is in control of all things

So where from here? If God wills, we're planning on having our Christmas celebration tomorrow!!!


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a place of "in between". . .

I started looking at Ps 126 today and found it interesting to realize that it can be divided into two parts: v.1-3 are a remembrance of what God has done in the past and v.4-6 look to the future.

In between those two sets of verses is what I would call "today". I can look back and remember good things that God has done... brought deliverance from fear, anger, hurt... brought healing... I recall His faithfulness as we walked through some dark days...

I look to the future and anticipate what God will do in our lives.

Yes, God is faithful. The events of the past are witness to that. I believe that He will be faithful in the days ahead - He has promised that.

But for today. I teeter on the brink. I wonder , "How long, O Lord? Have you forgotten us? When will You act?"

My head knows all the right answers... but my heart feels a little less sure.
My head says, "Remember His faithfulness". My heart feels heaviness and asks, "How long?"
My head says, "Great is Thy faithfulness. His mercies are new every morning". My heart cries, "O Lord, forgive my feelings of hopelessness and doubt. Help my unbelief"
My head says, "You do not walk this journey alone". My heart begs, "Help me to know Your presence"

and yet... for today... I'm in that place of "in between". . .

have you ever felt....

alone? forgotten?

I heard another challenging sermon today... We often feel that God has forgotten us. Certainly Israel felt that way. Assyria was knocking on their door and they were not only afraid, but felt God had abandoned them.

Ever feel that way? that you were all alone in the struggles that you were facing? that perhaps even God has abandoned you? and worse, has forgotten you? My heart broke as our pastor described a time in his early school years when he had been forgotten. He had been made to stand with his nose against the brick wall as discipline for not getting into line quickly enough... The rest of the students filed into the school and got settled into their classes... but not our pastor. For forty-five minutes he stood there... all alone... The teacher had forgotten about him... and my heart cried it resonated with that feeling of having been forsaken... alone... and terrified of making another wrong move...

The trouble with Israel was that they had forgotten God. They had ceased to seek Him and now... when trouble was knocking at their door, they felt all alone.

But there is good news. God has not forsaken His own. He has promised to walk with us moment by moment. Yes, the way may be dark and we may not see Him, but He is there. Take heart. He is there and His presence brings joy. How can it not? for He is joy.... unspeakable joy.

During this season of busy and crazy schedules, let's not forget to remember God and in that remembrance perhaps we will find joy... and peace... and hope.




photo credits to Aliyar Taravati

mountains... and peace....

Psalm 125 begins with,

Those who trust in the LORD are like Mount Zion,
which cannot be shaken but endures forever.
As the mountains surround Jerusalem,
so the LORD surrounds his people
both now and forevermore.

Ever considered mountains? On a clear day I can see the Rocky Mountains from here. Standing so majestically, they remind me of strength and permanence. They are the epitome of immovability!!! and just as Mount Zion surrounds Jerusalem, sure & secure, so too the Lord surrounds us, His people. If we trust in Him, we are surrounded with a blanket of security - we are safe! and above all, that security is immovable - it's unshakable!!

Even when life around us seems to be going crazy and stuff is happening that we just don't understand - God's presence is there. He is standing between me and all the "stuff"... He is surrounding me... and He is immovable!!

What does that look like in real life? This past week has been unbelievable. Our oldest son had an accident with his car last Friday. The streets were skating rinks and another vehicle pulled out of a parking lot in front of him. As much as he tried to avoid a collision... my daughter was in the car. She's had a headache since that evening - the result of whiplash. Two days later, my son's car packs it in. It's now sitting at a service station waiting for a transmission. Of course, my son is looking at his bank account and realizes that this is going to cost a fair bit of money.

Where is God? Where is this protection? Let's take a closer look...

• except for my daughter's whiplash, the others didn't sustain any injuries
• my son does have enough money in his bank account to pay for the work
• my son had a friend who could give him a ride the morning his car died
• my son was able to get off the freeway and limp into a parking lot

Today our pastor spoke on being peace in places where there is no peace. Our home this past week has been one of those places that has needed some extra peace. What does this mean for us? for me? We came home from church to... no water. There's a break in the water line that the city is trying to fix today. How can I find peace? no... the question is not how can I find peace. The question is, "How can I BE peace in this situation?"

The answer I believe is found at the beginning of this post. "As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so the LORD surrounds his people." God is still here. God is surrounding us. The LORD is the Prince of Peace. As He is the Prince of Peace, that means we are surrounded by Peace - His Peace. I just need to allow that peace to fill my heart and then, by God's grace, may I be a vessel of peace to those around me.