and in the quiet stillness...

... a voice speaks truth to my soul.

"God does not abandon us when we experience hardship and suffering but offers us comfort and hope.

Gracious God, thank you for continuing to speak to us when we forget that you are with us. Amen."*

While I contemplate these truths I receive another in the form of an e-card and again I am gently reminded that:

God is Hope. "May the God of hope fill you with peace... as you trust in Him" (Rom 15:13)

God is Comfort. "Through Christ our comfort overflows" (2 Cor 1:5)

God is with us. "Do not fear for I am with you... I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you." (Isa. 41:10)**

and my heart can find peace.... for once again I am able to "be still and know".

* taken from The Upper Room Daily Devotional, Sept 22, 2007
** © copyright 2006 DaySpring ® Cards. All rights reserved.

uncertain and afraid...

but then, I should stop being so surprised at the roller coaster ride we're on! LOL

As we drove to the clinic yesterday, Florian was stressed. How could I tell? He was commenting on my driving - he seldom if ever comments on my driving... That didn't sit very well with me. However, it did cause me to pay extra attention and that was probably a good thing since my head was in a different space.

Then while we were waiting for the treatment to start, Florian commented on feeling much more uptight this time. He couldn't tell me why he was feeling that way... I just prayed that he'd be OK, that it wouldn't have any adverse affects. (there weren't).

I wasn't in a great emotional space either as we started the day. God is so faithful - I didn't know quite how to pull myself together but God did. I received an email which helped me understand and put things into a right perspective.

This "new normal" is ever before me and sometimes I feel so alone - life is moving forward for everyone - have they forgotten us? do they remember to pray?

As we start another treatment we are reminded of what we are facing - there's again the uncertainty of the future - and we aren't in control. But thanks be to God.... He is the One who is in control and we can certainly trust Him for He is faithful!!!

I remain so very thankful for all the support we receive: a quick email lets us know that friends were thinking of us today.... another comment that "we will definitely pray for you today - tomorrow - and on".... my online community sends prayers & hugs...

These remind me that we have not been forgotten.... we do not face this alone...

What can I say, except Thank You.

step by step...

we'll make it through. Florian mentioned tonight that he needed to log his next journal entry. I thought, "Can we please just forget this week happened?"

It was tough - hard on Florian, hard on the kids, hard on me. Up until this week, Florian has really sailed through with very few side effects of his first treatment. But now - he began to have a fever. Our night was a complete write-off as he/I was awake every hour checking his temperature. If it didn't go down, we had been instructed to head to emergency. Fortunately we didn't have to make that trip, but in the morning there was another flurry of phone calls, appointments, driving him to & from .... is this our "new normal"? I certainly pray that it isn't... I don't know if I can physically withstand the demands.

Actually, I can handle the physical demands far easier than the mental & emotional strain - the stress that is mounting in our home. Christopher is having a hard time. He isn't saying much, but I can see that he's not coping very well. I see him depressed and frustrated and is having a hard time with everything. This, particularly, is hard to watch as a parent.

Each day I am asked, "How's Dad?" Telltale indications of how the kids are coping (or not).

I reflect on all this and remember that during the summer I had made a resolution to choose joy. Not happiness, but joy. To find joy and contentment in knowing that:

• God is in control
• He is in each circumstance
• He IS

I confess that I haven't been doing so well with this; I really want my pity-party.

Friday Florian is finally able to work all day - the kids are relieved - I am relieved. I know that he's back to "normal" when I see him in the kitchen helping with dinner preparations.

Reflecting on this, I am reminded of a message Christopher brought home from chapel this week. If Satan can't make you 'bad', he'll make you 'busy'. I have been very busy - too busy... My quiet time has suffered.... and I wonder. Had I continued to make time for morning prayer & devotions, would I have coped better this week? A quiet inner sense persuades me that it would indeed have made a difference. That would have, in turn, made it easier for the kids.... I realize I need to make my quiet time a priority - I can't afford, for the sake of the kids, to have another week like this past one.

I am reminded, once again, to take each day one step at a time, and resolve to:
(1) make my quiet time a priority
(2) choose joy

beginnings...

are always exciting! Beginning a new school year... Beginning a new season... Beginning.... anticipation & excitement of the "new" overshadow reality.

This time, however, I approach our new beginning with a completely different perspective. This is not a beginning that we would have chosen; we have, rather, been chosen for a "new beginning". Our lives will not know "normal" as we have known "normal" until now - for our lives have been invaded by the dreaded dragon known as "cancer".

Yet. Our lives can continue with a sense of normalcy for there is much that remains the same. God remains the same today as He was yesterday. God continues to weave a tapestry of threads - a tapestry that includes both the dark colours of sorrow and hardship and those lighter colours that reflect joy and carefree abandon. I am thankful that as God brings shadows into our lives, He never leaves us there. Like the Amish quilt pattern, Sunshine & Shadows,* He weaves both the darker hues & the lighter ones into a beautiful design - one that can only be appreciated because of the varying hues of colour.

Where do we go from here? How do we maintain our integrity as we encounter this new beginning?

We start by acknowledging that:
(1) God knows
(2) God cares
(3) God loves
(4) God IS

* Thank you, Boss, for your God-Breeze