Sunday, January 20, 2013

twists and turns...

that I just couldn't see coming up quite so quickly have resulted in a number of changes for me already this month.

To start.  I met with my spiritual director end of December. During our session it became evident to me that I had a choice to make. Well, it wasn't really a choice. It was more a matter of when will I make the decision that I knew I needed to make?  I spent the next few days in prayer and realized that I was ready. I typed up the letter and on my second day back at work after the New Year, my manager had a quiet office. I took advantage of that and slipped in to talk with her. At the end of that meeting, she had my letter of resignation in her hand and I had 10 days of work left.

What was so amazing in the course of our conversation was that she affirmed for me a few things.  One, this position was not really a "fit" for me. While she was grateful that I had given it my best effort, she saw that it really was not something that was working well for me. Secondly, she mentioned that she knew what kind of work would suit me well. When I asked her if she would share her thoughts with me, she was quick to tell me that I was best suited for something like grief counselling or walking with others, entering into those "deeper conversations".

My jaw dropped. This affirmation was such a confirmation for me. It is the kind of work that I have begun through fulfilling the requirements for my course in Soul Care - specifically, in offering Spiritual Direction to others.

Friday was my last day at the bank. I don't know what the future holds. For now, I believe that I am now where God wants me to be. The hardest part is to trust that He will continue to be present as I turn my attention to my course work and as I look for ways to do the work that use the gifts He has given me. I am sure that there will be more twists and turns along the way - I just hope that I will be able to trust that God has my hand in His and therefore I don't need to see the road ahead.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

more pondering. . .

So much to consider and upon which to ponder.
Much has transpired since the darkness returned; yet amid that darkness there has also come the realization that I am not alone.

This advent season I faced brokenness with new understanding. Broken peace as a result of broken dreams, broken faith, broken trust, broken hope. Is it any wonder that I have felt so conflicted inside? Where there is no trust, there can be no peace.

Life has taken another turn or two:

  • I began a new job working as a teller at Scotiabank. 
  • I participated in a Study Tour of the land of Israel
  • I have wrestled with the darkness
  • I have wrestled with the wilderness experience
  • I have come to understand that perhaps I am ready to take a fledgling step into trust once again
The wilderness remains the place in which I live. The land of promise is in the distance. I cannot make it out clearly for there hangs in the air a haze. 
The way is ...  well, I don't know the way. Without a guide, I would surely get lost. There is One who knows the way. He has been in this wilderness. He has seen not only seen the land of promise but has also promised that I will one day i will stand at the border, ready to enter... and now He beckons me to follow Him. To follow? That requires trust. Will I choose to trust Him? 

That does not negate the reality that I cannot see the land of promise that lies in the distance. That does not negate that the way is unknown and even the next step is not seen. The haze that lies in the distance? It also hangs in the air that surrounds me, like dense fog. I cannot see where the next step will even lead. It means that my act of trust is to reach my hand into that haze and wait for the Father to take hold of it - to lead me as I take the next step. 

To reach? To trust? Will He take my hand? It is an act of faith - a first faltering step of trust. And what of the anticipation of what lies ahead? It is not possible to proceed without first pausing to remember:
  • To remember when God was present
  • To remember when he made himself known
  • To remember when he protected
  • To remember the goodness of the Lord
  • To remember...  
  • To remember...  
  • To remember...

and then to wait...  to be silent...  to reach my hand into that haze... to trust...