Monday, March 31, 2008

one step forward...

and two backwards...

I will be honest. As much as I thought I had made my choice, I am having doubts about that.

How is it that it can seem as though I have made my choice one day and the very next day seem to be overwhelmed again by fear? It's like a sea of waves... one after the other... threatening once again to pull me under.

Hypocrite! A strong accusation. But I wonder. What about all the "faith" that I seemed to exhibit these last months? Where is it now? Am I nothing more than a hypocrite?

A friend yesterday explained that perhaps it's not that at all. My faith was what it was for what I was experiencing at the time. However, today I am facing new experiences - experiences that require a deeper faith. That doesn't negate my faith from yesterday. It just means that, for this "bend in the road", my faith will need to grow - to put its roots down just a little deeper.

Seeking the prayers of others, I am asked, "What is the Lord trying to say to you?" After a moment I realize that He is asking me to surrender. To surrender my hold on Florian. To surrender Florian into His care. That's a tough one - previous memories of nearly losing him to surgery rise to the surface and I find my grip tightening rather than loosening. I pray. We pray. Even as the tears course down my face, we pray that they can be the beginning of a new surrender.

That continues to be my prayer today... and maybe today I can take another step forward.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

I have a choice....

to make.

We received notice this past week that Florian is scheduled for a "surgical assessment" with a cardiovascular surgeon. We knew in January that this was a possibility because his last CT scan showed an aortic aneurysm of about 5.5cm in size. What does this mean? maybe surgery.... but then again, maybe not.

Initially, fear took reign and began to overwhelm me. But isn't God good? God brought people into my life & blog posts & I came to a realization that I am once again faced with a choice. Life really is all about choices, isn't it? I could continue to give in to fear OR I could choose to trust. It is my choice.

I have given my inner self a stern lecture... have prayed lots... and the bottom line is this:
  • God knows all about this too.

  • He is still in control of our journey & destiny.

  • He asks us to trust.

Actually, I have made my choice. I will choose to obey.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

are we ready...

for another "speed bump"? another "bend in the road"?

Is it possible to ever be ready?

Oh that I might once again trust... to not falter... to once again lay my burdens at the foot of the cross...

for only then will I be ready for whatever lies ahead.