Monday, March 31, 2008

one step forward...

and two backwards...

I will be honest. As much as I thought I had made my choice, I am having doubts about that.

How is it that it can seem as though I have made my choice one day and the very next day seem to be overwhelmed again by fear? It's like a sea of waves... one after the other... threatening once again to pull me under.

Hypocrite! A strong accusation. But I wonder. What about all the "faith" that I seemed to exhibit these last months? Where is it now? Am I nothing more than a hypocrite?

A friend yesterday explained that perhaps it's not that at all. My faith was what it was for what I was experiencing at the time. However, today I am facing new experiences - experiences that require a deeper faith. That doesn't negate my faith from yesterday. It just means that, for this "bend in the road", my faith will need to grow - to put its roots down just a little deeper.

Seeking the prayers of others, I am asked, "What is the Lord trying to say to you?" After a moment I realize that He is asking me to surrender. To surrender my hold on Florian. To surrender Florian into His care. That's a tough one - previous memories of nearly losing him to surgery rise to the surface and I find my grip tightening rather than loosening. I pray. We pray. Even as the tears course down my face, we pray that they can be the beginning of a new surrender.

That continues to be my prayer today... and maybe today I can take another step forward.


Lee said...

Oh dear friend......hypocrisy is the accusation Jesus saved for those deliberately hurting others with their lies and false reasonings and egos. Stumbling in our faith is simply a part of being human. The part that Jesus so wonderfully showed his love and support for. After all, have you denied Christ 3 times??? Yet look how often Jesus forgave, and not just forgave......UNDERSTOOD the very nature of he and his Father are the creators of such and can understand us far better than we can ever begin to understand ourselves!!! Humility is a better word for what you feel....that you do not want to set yourself up on a pesestal.....but that you are honest with all around you and yourself. Letting my THE single hardest thing for us earthly beings to do. The tangible is in front of us. The unseen is not. It truly is as simple as that! And yet the very fact that you struggle and question your own motives and that this is indeed what you ARE striving for. We don't have to attain the perfection in the's the heart motivation that God reads!! Many, many prayers my dear friend!! I wish I could give you a big ole bear hug.....but a big ole cyber hug will have to do!!!

Suzanne said...

Oh heart so goes out to Lee said I wish I could wrap my arms around you and hold on tight. Remember Peter; not only did he deny knowing Jesus 3 times as Lee said, but he too suffered from a lack of faith he didn't expect to have. Remember when he jumped out of the boat to walk on the water to Jesus. It wasn't until he experienced the fear of what he was doing that he began to sink and then Christ held out his hand and brought him up to him....Jesus will not abandon you to your fears...God loves you and Florian so much more than you can even imagine...yes letting go and allowing God to care for a loved one in the way He sees fit is horribly me I know from a time I went through with my daughter...When I was in the depths of despair and questioning the strength and depth of my faith I had a good friend tell me it was OK! I could question all I needed to...God could handle my questions and also that he could also handle my anger....also she told me that my time and energy needed to go into taking care of my daughter and that she would hold the embers of my faith and keep them secure with her prayers at the times I just felt I couldn't pray any longer...things were that bad for me...then when I was ready she gave my faith back to me...During this dark time of my soul I now know that God knew I love Him and that I so desperately wanted to trust him, but I was so afraid for my daughter and losing her that my humanity took over. He was faithful to me even when I couldn't trust him every moment of every day. He did not judge me lacking He only loved me more even when I struggled to love Him. If needed I will hold your faith for you! God will honor it even in your moments of weakness. HE loves you in spite of all things NEVER, NEVER doubt that.

I pray that you will experience the peace that does indeed pass all human understanding...God's blessings be on you and your family.

Beth said...

Hugs to you, my friend. Lee and Suzanne have already said, quite eloquently, what is in my heart.

Doubt and fear are so frustrating to me-I believe in the Resurrection with all my heart. We are Saved by grace through our Faith-why does our Faith falter? Because we are human. It takes me back to the, "It's NOT FAIR" moments of my childhood, I suppose. So often I find myself saying that-even now.

This past Sunday our Gospel spoke of Thomas and his doubt in Christ's Resurrection. He did not believe until he was able to place his hand in our Lord's side. Our Lord knows and understands this and his is waiting for us, as long as we need to search-he will be there for us to see-just as soon as our heart lets us. {{{HUGS}}} and prayers.