The Way . . .

is made by taking one step at a time. I went to see "The Way" last night. It's not a great movie in terms of plot or anything like that but I enjoyed it. I realized today as I was reflecting back on the evening that perhaps the reason I enjoyed it so much was that I imagined what it might be like to walk The Way... the Camino de Santiago... the Way of St. James...

700 kilometers of walking.... 30 days (more or less... most likely more)... average age of the pilgrim who makes the journey is a 51 yr old woman (or so I read somewhere on the internet today)...

Then I got thinking. I'm on a journey. I don't necessarily need to head over to France/Spain to walk the way. I'm on a journey right here and right now. Only difference at this moment is when walking The Way, there are other pilgrims who are walking also, not necessarily in company but there are others that you can see and perhaps even talk to about the journey.

Therein lies the rub for me today. I miss my companion. I miss having that one with whom I could share my thoughts and what the things that I'm reflecting on as I read and study.

Yet therein lies the rub (again) for if Florian were here I wouldn't be on the same journey and so wouldn't be needing/wanting to share these thoughts with him that have flooded my mind lately.

Maybe I'll add the Camino de Santiago to my bucket list...

Maybe I'll one day walk The Way...

a vocation or a job?

a call or an invitation?

These questions are perculating these days as I ponder some of what I've been reading lately.

There seems to be such a dis-connect between all this as I think and ponder and wonder about what I'm doing and why....

an invitation seems so much more..... inviting than a "call"

a "vocation" seems so much more..... appealing than a "job".

Could it be that the ministry of spiritual direction could be just that? an invitation and a vocation? what would this as a vocation look like? Is there a place for me in this? if so, where?

I am thankful to have these few weeks over the Christmas break to take time to reflect, journal, read books that aren't part of the required reading list... to allow some of what I have read to simmer and percolate... I don't know that I'll get any answers anytime soon, but I do hope that these weeks will allow for some quiet reflection and contemplation and most of all, allow me to get some rest and get re-balanced.

gratitude?

I made this card this afternoon. I needed to make a fall-themed card and while this may not appear to meet the requirements, it'll have to do. It's reflective of what I'm thinking today. I remember walking along the beach when we spent a few days on the Oregon coast. While that is a few years ago already, it was a time that was perfect for quiet reflection. Miles and miles of sand. The water, relentless. I remember walking along the sand and allowing my mind to wander in its reflections.

With that in mind, I allowed my thoughts to reflect a little today. The service today was amazing. A full service of hymns - that brought me to tears. How is it that I can sing of what God has done for me but then am reduced to tears when we sing,

When Christ shall come

With Shouts of acclamation

And take me home,

What joy shall fill my heart!

Then I shall bow

In humble adoration

And there proclaim,

"My God, how great Thou art!"

But then I find myself embraced as a friend who sees my struggle and comes to stand with me.

I am grateful. I am deeply grateful. Regardless of how I feel most days, there are still some truths that remain and are foundational to who I am: God is. God loves. God forgives.

I am grateful. I am deeply grateful. I have friends who believe in me and they are not afraid to speak words of encouragement when I am struggling to carry on with the things to which I believe I have been called.

I am grateful. I am deeply grateful. I have family who love and walk alongside, caring in their own ways.

Today I am reminded of all this. . . and I am grateful. I am deeply grateful

a better perspective gained

after church today.

Abraham was tested. Genesis 22. He's tested first in the area of his faith. Then, his affections. and then his love. Yet he came out tested and true.

Faith: do I allow God to be the One in whom I still place all my trust and confidence?

Affections: Is God worthy of my worship even if I have to give up the most treasured and prized possessions - that which is dearest to me?

Love: God asks, "How important am I to you?" Is there anything that has come between me and God? is there anything that is taking God's #1 place in my life?

I think I have some work to do.

It's too easy to sit back and feel sorry for myself. I don't want to live like that.

I want to live in confidence and trust.

I want to worship Him freely and without reservation.

I want love Him with such abandon that He becomes the object of my affection.

am I walking alone...

on this journey? There are certainly many days when it sure feels like it.

I recently returned from visiting my brother in Anchorage. It was great. I loved it. The scenery is beyond description.

I could have sat in their living room gazing out the window for hours and hours and hours.

Yet in the midst of all that stunning beauty, there lay an emptiness.

I knew Florian would have absolutely loved to have been there too. So many times I wanted to show him the beauty I was experiencing. But he wasn't there. I felt alone.

How could I feel alone? I was with my brother. We spent hours and hours and hours talking about things that matter. What it means to be content. How to face an uncertain future without anxiety. He showed and taught me how to carve wood - I carved my first wood spirit under his instruction. It was good. I felt so very accepted. I wasn't alone. We were two siblings spending precious days together.

I came home. The house is quiet. I've spent hours and hours and hours in quiet contemplation. I feel alone. Wait. Never mind feeling alone, I am alone. Nonetheless, I don't want to have a house full of people just to fill the empty rooms - just so that I'm not alone.

I think back to some of the conversations from these past two weeks.

How to be content?

I think it begins with trust. I need to remind my head & my heart that God is still trustworthy. He is still faithful. He is still in control. He knows what lies ahead. He waits for me to come to Him.

Do I believe Him? Will I trust Him?

I may feel alone, but He walks with me.

That means, I am never alone.

Knowing that, can I be content?

I'd rather. . .

have to change the oil in my car or clean the furnace filter.

Seriously.

Although.

I will have to admit that based on my recent experience with changing the air filter there may be those who would beg to differ on that as well!!

But that's a whole 'nuther story!

Tonight, I was going to toast some raisin bread for dinner... got distracted looking at the writing assignment due next month and start smelling smoke... something obviously went haywire...

Came to the kitchen to find smoke billowing out from the toaster oven!! Yikes.

I ran it outside and then grabbed a towel to fan the smoke detector so it wouldn't go off. Fortunately, I managed to keep the smoke away long enough to grab the little fan I had sitting in the hallway. Turned it on - much easier to blow the smoke back towards the kitchen that way. Once the air was cleared somewhat, I moved the fan into the kitchen area. oy.

But.

Disaster averted.

Alarm didn't go off.

Friendly firemen didn't have to pay a visit.

This all seems so silly. I never dreamed that these are the kinds of things that I would have to deal with... Maybe I need to seriously consider cold cereal for dinner or protein shakes and smoothies... at least there would be no risk of fire with those!!!

so, just where do I start? Will someone please hand me that wrench?

it's been 8 months. . .

since Florian left us. In so many ways it feels like just the other day... and yet it also feels a lifetime ago. If I think about what's ahead 8 months from now, that puts us into March. That's a long time down the road...

So much has happened and I've had to deal with so very much. It's not always been easy. In fact, the last few months have been unbelievably hard.

I've just come through another one of life's major milestones - the marriage of my 2nd oldest. It was a beautiful celebration and I am so deeply grateful. I believe that God was honoured and that brings incredible peace & joy.

I'm grateful to have friends & family who helped keep things in perspective - who helped me figure things out. Things like what is worth fighting for... you know how it's about picking your battles? Well, there certainly were many opportunities these last months for that!! All the while, they were there lending their support... letting me know that they cared... letting me know that I wasn't alone - they were there, standing in the trenches alongside. I am so blessed and grateful for these dear ones.

I'm grateful for the moments during the celebration when we were able to honour Florian. The lighting of the candle at the start of the ceremony - Chris stopped at the table and lit it before taking his place on the platform. In his opening remarks, the pastor explained that it was lit to pay tribute to the groom's dad. And then the tribute paid in memory of Florian - a toast given by the bride's father - what a great gesture on their part. I didn't expect it but I sure appreciated it. Both were especially meaningful for me.

As I think about the whole day, I know that God graced us with His presence - and what greater gift could I ask for? I had prayed that the entire celebration would be honouring to Him and tried to ensure that I came to it also with an attitude that would be pleasing & honouring to Him. I encouraged the couple to do likewise. And in the end, it was a great day. Not only did I survive, but I think I can honestly say that I 'did good'. It certainly wasn't about me and what I was able to do. It was only because of His strength and the prayers of many who were praying for me that I was able to hold out with joy and graciousness. I am humbly grateful. To God be all the glory.