a roller-coaster day. . .

It started out OK but as the morning wore on I was missing Florian so very much. Simple things like looking for a picture to use on this next month's issue of Conversations (our church newsletter)... my daughter missing her bus and stressing about getting to college in time to write her mid-term... things that I would have used as opportunities to call Florian at work and vent a little or ask his opinion later in the day when he would have been home....

But in the midst of all this, I tried to focus on some God-incidents... ways in which I was seeing God at work on my behalf... simple things like clear lanes when I had to merge into traffic... or traffic lights that would stay green, allowing me ample time to make it through intersections instead of having to stop on icy roads...

My oldest has been really having a hard time this past week - first their washing machine quit working... then one of their cars began to really leak oil - so much so that it really wasn't safe to drive anymore.... They prayed last night and he basically was at his wits' end and prayed that God would just take care of them - make a way for them financially.

Then this morning, my DIL was set to take transit to work and the bus went out of service before finishing the loop... But in all this, I saw God watch over them in such an amazing way. She was left at a location that was only about a 15 minute walk home.... her "boss" gave her the day off...

But the biggest blessing to them was that my son found out today that his boss was going to pay him for all the days these last 2 weeks that he hadn't worked - said it was the least they could do for him. wow. What a gift! What a blessing! Who would have thought?

but most of all... isn't it amazing to see how God is taking care of them?! wow. oh. wow. Thank you Jesus!!

If God will take care of them in such tangible ways, will He not also take care of me? I can't help but believe that He will.

So, I pray... Father, I am weak... I am full of doubt and anxious thoughts threaten to fill my mind... yet in the midst of this, I do want to believe; "help me overcome my unbelief!"* Amen.



* Mark 9:24

it's been a week. . .

since Florian went in for surgery.... a week since we were told things were tenuous... a week since we were holding out hour-by-hour... a week since we pleaded with God to miraculously heal... a week since I, once again, committed Florian into God's care...

Last Sunday we met briefly for prayer and following that Florian said, "God gave me a new spiritual heart many years ago; now I am being given the opportunity for a new physical heart". Little did we know just what kind of "heart" God had in mind for him.

Florian didn't ever recover from surgery; he had a heart attack coming out of the procedure and his heart simply could not overcome the stress of the events. He left us Wednesday morning (the 10th) after the medical team worked through the night, throwing everything at him that they had in their arsenal.

We celebrated his life on Saturday (13th) - my prayer remains that the service was not only a celebration of Florian's life but also a clear testimony to what God had done in Florian these last 29 years as he endeavored to live his life in total submission & surrender to the will of God.

And now... Psalm 20 has a different feel to it, but it is what will carry me... carry us... through these next difficult days:

In times of trouble, may the LORD answer your cry.

May the name of the God of Jacob keep you safe from all harm.

May he send you help from his sanctuary and strengthen you from Jerusalem.

May he remember all your gifts and look favorably on your burnt offerings.

May he grant your heart's desires and make all your plans succeed.

May we shout for joy when we hear of your victory and raise a victory banner in the name of our God.

May the LORD answer all your prayers.

Florian had a theme song that marked the way he chose to live each day: Rich Mullins, Step By Step. I feel the weight of the mantle as it behooves me now to take the torch that has been passed to me... to continue with the legacy that he left us... to follow Jesus, step by step.

oh my goodness. . .

I cannot believe that it has been more than 2 months since I last posted... what have I been thinking?!?! or as my dear husband might say to that, "maybe you haven't been?!"

In a nutshell... we've survived minor crises... spent much time traveling back & forth between my folks' and home...

We moved my folks from the acreage into a home in town. It's a strange thing - the house holds memories for me that I have worked to forget. I have been hoping and praying that as it becomes my folks' home I can visit them without always remembering the other. As I think back over the last weeks, I think it's slowly happening - for which I am deeply grateful.

Mid-September we attended a pre-admission clinic... it was just the next step as we moved towards the long awaited surgery for Florian. We anticipated a call within a few weeks indicating that his surgery had been scheduled, but many weeks passed and no such call.

That changed yesterday. The phone rang. Florian looked at the call display and said, "oh oh. This is it." He was right. They informed him that he is scheduled for surgery on Tuesday afternoon - just 4 days from now.

Since then we have switched into high gear: re-scheduling other appointments; letting each of our kids know and answering their anxious questions; a flurry of emails as Florian contacted his work associates. Today the activity continued as we sorted through most of the remaining "stuff" in the garage. Don't get me wrong - we've been working at this all fall, but with the surgery just around the corner, we needed to pick up the pace a little.

Now what? Well, there's still a few things to take care of on Monday but we've done most of what we can do. Now we turn our attention to those things that are really important - the state of our emotions as we face this next step.

How are we really doing with this? Florian is calm. My head says "God is in total control and knows the outcome". My heart ... not so much. There's a long 12" disconnect for me between what my head is saying and what my heart is feeling...

I feel certain that I will come to the place where I am able to believe with my heart also... but for now, I'm not quite there. I know that God is able. I know that God is faithful. I know... I know... I know... yet the battle is raging as I wrestle...

Thanks, dear brother, for your wonderful words of encouragement from Psalm 20. It is what will carry me/us through this week:

In times of trouble, may the LORD answer your cry.

May the name of the God of Jacob keep you safe from all harm.

May he send you help from his sanctuary and strengthen you from Jerusalem.

May he remember all your gifts and look favorably on your burnt offerings.

May he grant your heart's desires and make all your plans succeed.

May we shout for joy when we hear of your victory and raise a victory banner in the name of our God.

May the LORD answer all your prayers.