4 words. . .

have been tumbling about in my head the last little while. They are the words that we heard through the Advent season this year:

hope: we are not in a hopeless situation; yes, we grieve, but not as those who have no hope

love: we have been showered with so many expressions of love which speak to us in tangible ways of God's deep love for us

peace: underlying all the daily turmoil, there lies a deep peace - a peace that passes all understanding

joy: Chris Tomlin released a version of "Joy to the World" that we have been singing this season. I found the lyrics of the added refrain resonated deeply within:

Joy, unspeakable joy
An overflowing well, no tongue can tell
Joy, unspeakable joy
Rises in my soul, never lets me go

4 simple words ...

4 deep truths ...

a rude awakening...

occurred last week. I walked past our Christmas Countdown Snowman and saw to my utter astonishment that Christmas was only 9 days away. What? How could this be possible? In my head I had at least 2 weeks...

The reality is that I have been so busy with all the "stuff" I had completely lost track of how much time had actually passed.

We have been in a season of Advent - a season of preparation - yet it had nearly passed me by. The realization hit me hard. At that moment, I made a decision. I would spend one more day (I had an appointment at a financial institution) dealing with the "stuff" and that would be it for the rest of this season.

I need to take time for heart preparation...

• to listen


• to sit in quietness


• to listen


• to hear God speak


• to listen


• to ponder


• to listen


• to understand a little more fully the GIFT that came


• to listen


• to pay attention to the little details of the Christmas story


• to listen


• to prepare my heart that He might find room there this Christmas

His voice is quiet and it is only in the stillness that He will be heard.... May He find you listening also...

the reality...

is beginning to set in a little...

Things like:
1. decorating the house for Christmas and knowing that Florian won't be home to comment
2. sitting in church and participating Communion... alone
3. realizing that I can't call him to "vent"
4. shopping for Christmas, watching the couples and it hits that I'm... alone
5. no longer being able to check the little box that sits beside the word "married"

6. making decisions... alone

and then there are the girls - they call home and for just a fleeting moment they wonder if Dad will answer the phone... and then they realize....

or we attend Chris' concert and feel keenly that someone is missing...

It's not a lot of fun, these days, to face everything.... alone. It's hard, actually. I miss Florian. I miss his wisdom. I miss his ability to help me work through 'stuff'. I miss the little things... like his help in the kitchen in preparing meals & cleaning up afterward. I miss the big things... like being part of our family at mealtime or attending our son's 4th year Graduation Concert together....

My head says... How could I wish him back? He is in such an amazing place...
My heart says... but I miss him so much....
My head says... it's for our own reasons that we would wish him here
My heart says... but I miss him so much....

and that battle continues to rage.... again.

Once again I find myself in this place where I pray that God... in His graciousness.... would one day put all the pieces back together again....