I will be honest. As much as I thought I had made my choice, I am having doubts about that.
How is it that it can seem as though I have made my choice one day and the very next day seem to be overwhelmed again by fear? It's like a sea of waves... one after the other... threatening once again to pull me under.
Hypocrite! A strong accusation. But I wonder. What about all the "faith" that I seemed to exhibit these last months? Where is it now? Am I nothing more than a hypocrite?
A friend yesterday explained that perhaps it's not that at all. My faith was what it was for what I was experiencing at the time. However, today I am facing new experiences - experiences that require a deeper faith. That doesn't negate my faith from yesterday. It just means that, for this "bend in the road", my faith will need to grow - to put its roots down just a little deeper.
Seeking the prayers of others, I am asked, "What is the Lord trying to say to you?" After a moment I realize that He is asking me to surrender. To surrender my hold on Florian. To surrender Florian into His care. That's a tough one - previous memories of nearly losing him to surgery rise to the surface and I find my grip tightening rather than loosening. I pray. We pray. Even as the tears course down my face, we pray that they can be the beginning of a new surrender.
That continues to be my prayer today... and maybe today I can take another step forward.
