feeling stuck...

I don't know that this will be a well-connected, thought-out entry but there are some thoughts and new insights that I don't want to forget. This seems as good a place as any to record some of them.

First of all, I will admit that the last while I have felt "stuck". Stuck in a grieving process with no idea how to proceed or how to get "un-stuck". I was quite miserable. I have been missing Florian tremendously - more now than 3 months ago. It would be easy to chalk it up to simple things like moving beyond the intense focus on getting all the financial stuff figured out or issues arising from wedding planning and no one to talk to about them or our son's graduation - an event that we celebrated without Florian. Whatever the reason, the last weeks have been hard. So much so that I have felt tears lurking just beneath the surface ready to gush at the least provocation and I was getting tired of just being so very tired.

In a moment of complete exhaustion and depleted inner resources, I made an appointment to visit my most trusted friend and counselor. I had a few things that I was "processing" that I wished to discuss. Little did I realize that our hour together would provide such incredible insights.

I learned that there is a process that I can evoke whenever I'm feeling down and sad. It's a process that encourages a little digging - asking a few deeper questions - to discover the "root" of what I'm feeling. It goes a little like this: I'm missing Florian. What is it about not having him near that you are missing? I miss talking to him. What is it about conversing with him that you are missing? He was my biggest cheerleader & support. What is it about his support that you miss? and then I can begin to pinpoint something a little more definitive about the loss...

I tried it out the other day - and I was surprised at the difference it made. I was given the tools I needed to dig a little deeper - to explore what I was feeling - to come to terms with some truths - and then it didn't feel quite so heavy a burden anymore. Oh, don't get me wrong. I didn't quit missing Florian, but there was a difference in what I was feeling or how I was feeling the loss.

I mentioned this to a sibling of mine with whom I've been having quite the conversations and the response was this: "Explore the emotion to it's deepest level - 'let it wash over you' - and find what the root is. Identify it, absorb it, and let it go." I think that's it!

A second bit that's been percolating the last few days is something that happened the next morning. I had gotten up early to do some homework.

As I was sitting at my kitchen table, making notes about some of what I was reading, there seemed to be a sense that washed over me. Like I was suddenly free. Free to move ahead. Free to pursue my dreams. Free to be OK. It was with me for only a fleeting moment and then it was gone, just as suddenly as it had appeared.

I don't know what that was all about. I think though that it may have something to do with a verse that my friend mentioned on Wednesday. Jesus said, "you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free" (John 8:32) Somehow, in facing the truth in my grief, there is a gift of freedom. I think that maybe, just maybe, it was that gift of freedom that I experienced sitting at the kitchen table yesterday morning. Having faced some of the truth of my grief the night before, God gave me an incredible gift of freedom that He allowed to wash over me, even if only for the briefest of moments.

If that's what it is, what can I do but thank Him for His deep love & care for me.

crushed...

but not destroyed; perplexed... but not shaken

Tonight I shared my faith journey with my "cohort group". I wear the mantle passed to me by my husband - step by step I will carry on; I will carry the torch that will one day be passed to my by my father - to stay the course.

Many generations have gone before me; many have run their race and, keeping their eyes focused on the One who is the perfecter of faith , they finished their run. We don't know how long he will be with us, but my dad will one day be among those who have stayed the course to the very end. He will then join my dear husband in worship as they bow their knee and proclaim that Jesus is Lord & King.

a torch....

a mantle....

I am surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses ... my grandparents, great-grandparents, great-great grandparents... uncles... and aunts.... and more recently my husband....

Such vivid imagery as I press on towards the goal that is set before me. . . as I "stay the course", one step at a time. Yes, I am perplexed. Yes, I am crushed.

But God. . .

God is faithful. I will not be destroyed for He is faithful.

God is holding me. I am in His grip.

My soul will one day sing again - will sing the song that He will give and I will praise Him for His unending love.

How Great Thou Art.

on prayer. . .

The last few weeks I have come across these verses several times in different contexts, "Come to me all who are weary; take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" (Matt 11:29-30)

The literal translation of 'pray always' is 'come to rest'. The Greek word for 'rest' is hesychia. A hesychast is one who seeks solitude and silence as ways to unceasing prayer. The prayer of the hesychast is a prayer of rest - it has little to do with the absence of conflict or pain but rather is a rest in God in the midst of a very intense daily struggle.

Nouwen suggests that this kind of 'prayer of the heart' is not intellectual prayer (speaking to God, expecting answers and when we don't hear anything we begin to think of a monologue); it is also not just thinking about God (meditation) which may lead to new intellectual discoveries about God.

Rather, the prayer of the hesychast is one that takes us from our place of self-absorption to where it penetrates to the very marrow of our soul & leaves nothing untouched. It is prayer that does not allow us to limit our relationship with God to interesting words or pious emotions. (hmm... does this not sound like being careful with what we say & how much we say... perhaps a type of silence?) It opens our eyes to the truth of ourselves as well as to the truth of God. It challenges us to hide absolutely nothing from God and to surrender ourselves unconditionally to His mercy.

At this point, this is now a prayer of truth. No longer are we trying to impress others with our well-worded prayers; no longer are we trying to convince ourselves of our worthiness or our self-righteousness.

I'm not quite sure how all this works but somehow, this kind of purity of heart allows us to see more clearly, not only our own needy, distorted and anxious self, but also the caring face of our compassionate God. Somehow, God's heart has become one with ours. Here we catch sight of the meaning of Jesus' words, "Shoulder my yoke and learn from me, for I am gentle & humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Yes my yoke is easy and my burden light". Jesus invites us to accept his burden which is the burden of the whole world; a burden that includes human suffering in all times & places. But this divine burden is light and we can carry it when our heart has been transformed into the gentle and humble heart of our Lord". (p. 87)

It is with this kind of vision that it is possible, then to move into the midst of our world with a heart at rest. And, it is this restful heart that becomes a magnet, attracting those who are groping to find their way through life.

"When we have found our rest in God, we can do nothing other than minister." In other words, out of our solitude and silence, our "being" becomes "doing".

This certainly has given me lots to think about these last few days... I know I haven't come to understand all I've encountered with those verses from Matthew - that needs some more 'thinking'...

until next time,

on silence & solitude

I've been reading Henri Nouwen's book, "The Way of the Heart". The first section focuses on solitude and then he looks at silence. After that he talks about prayer.

I thought it strange at first - and then it hit me.

We need to be comfortable in solitude because it is in solitude that we face ourselves. No longer distracted by "doing", it becomes the place of purification and transformation; a place of great struggle and great encounter. This purifying and transforming process has as its result, great compassion. "In solitude, we realize that nothing human is alien to us, that the roots of all conflict, war, injustice, cruelty, hatred, jealousy, envy are deeply anchored in our own heart. As a result, solitude molds self-righteous people into gentle, caring forgiving persons who are so deeply convinced of their own great sinfulness and so fully aware of God's even greater mercy tat their life itself becomes ministry. In such a ministry there is hardly any difference left between doing & being."

On silence, he writes, "Silence guards the fire within; Silence teaches us to speak." It reminded me of the many times that I have "shared with others" those things that were on my mind only to come away feeling that I wasn't heard or that I lost something that was precious to me. We live in a world where we are afraid of, and uncomfortable with, silence. He suggests that "simply not speaking is a very important practice... it is a good discipline to wonder in each new situation if people wouldn't be better served by our silence than by our words".

Now that we've understood solitude and the importance of silence we turn our thoughts to prayer. Solitude is being alone with God. It is in our silence that we begin to listen to God. It is this context of solitude & silence within which prayer is practiced. More on that tomorrow. . .

time passes. . .

and yet time seems to stand still.

In some ways the days and months have flown by incredibly quickly and I can hardly believe that it's been 3 months already since Florian passed away. Yet in other ways, it seems like it's been so very long already.

In some ways I still almost can't believe that he's really gone. Yet in other ways... well, I just miss him so much.

I've accomplished quite a few things on my own - working through internet issues - buying a new garage door opener - purchasing stuff from the 'geek' store - navigating my way through unfamiliar areas of the city (thanks to the GPS unit he bought me last fall :) )

Today I realized as I was driving home from the office that the busy-ness of dealing with all the immediate "stuff" is starting to come to an end... I'm a little afraid of this next stage as it means I'll have more time to think - more time to miss him...

I did some grocery shopping today - I still don't enjoy it, but it doesn't seem to be as bad as it was initially. You see, Florian did most of the grocery shopping for us - I would go with him on occasion, but he had a knack of remembering prices & where everything was. I'd sometimes call him at work asking where I would find some item that was eluding me and he could steer me not only to the right aisle, but also to the right location on the right shelf, describing the items that I would find around it...

He sure was quite the guy... I only wish God hadn't called him Home quite so soon...

4 words. . .

have been tumbling about in my head the last little while. They are the words that we heard through the Advent season this year:

hope: we are not in a hopeless situation; yes, we grieve, but not as those who have no hope

love: we have been showered with so many expressions of love which speak to us in tangible ways of God's deep love for us

peace: underlying all the daily turmoil, there lies a deep peace - a peace that passes all understanding

joy: Chris Tomlin released a version of "Joy to the World" that we have been singing this season. I found the lyrics of the added refrain resonated deeply within:

Joy, unspeakable joy
An overflowing well, no tongue can tell
Joy, unspeakable joy
Rises in my soul, never lets me go

4 simple words ...

4 deep truths ...

a rude awakening...

occurred last week. I walked past our Christmas Countdown Snowman and saw to my utter astonishment that Christmas was only 9 days away. What? How could this be possible? In my head I had at least 2 weeks...

The reality is that I have been so busy with all the "stuff" I had completely lost track of how much time had actually passed.

We have been in a season of Advent - a season of preparation - yet it had nearly passed me by. The realization hit me hard. At that moment, I made a decision. I would spend one more day (I had an appointment at a financial institution) dealing with the "stuff" and that would be it for the rest of this season.

I need to take time for heart preparation...

• to listen


• to sit in quietness


• to listen


• to hear God speak


• to listen


• to ponder


• to listen


• to understand a little more fully the GIFT that came


• to listen


• to pay attention to the little details of the Christmas story


• to listen


• to prepare my heart that He might find room there this Christmas

His voice is quiet and it is only in the stillness that He will be heard.... May He find you listening also...